December 27th!

So December 27th was a truly GREAT DAY!! My first couple I matched with back in September 2008 ( did not get to work with them) had a JOYOUS day. Their surro K delivered 2 healthy babies! A boy named David Leonardo and a girl Abigail Rose. After the heart breaking loss of their first son in March 2009, they are parents to 2 healthy BEAUTIFUL children. I found out the morning they were born ( a GREAT HONOR ) but have had to keep my big mouth shut till the parents did their announcement. I cried tears of joy for the past 3 days. I have been so blessed to get to know M. We were instant friends when we matched and have kept in close contact the past 2 yrs. She was a HUGE support for me during my pregnancy last year when I was feeling lonely. She always puts others first and is such a wonderful person. I am just so elated for her and her hubby. they deserve this happiness so much, David & Abigail are such lucky children to not only have them as parents but to be blessed to have ALL the family they have. That family is a GREAT one.

CONGRATS M & D!!!

Love you both and now I get to love all 4 of you!

Almost a new year!

So 2010 was a great year for myself and my family. I am sort of sad to see it go, but all good things must come to an end.

So a New year is on the horizon. I am praying and hoping it is a good year. This year will be full of twists and turns I am sure, being pregnant with twins usually means a curvy road of sorts. So I have my OB appointment with my Dr. on the 4th and I cannot wait! I get to see the twinks ( that is what the guys call them so I will too.LOL) again and I am sure we will be able to tell the sexes. I LOVE knowing before the guys. I am really HOPING that there is at least one boy in there. Considering this may just be my last pregnancy and given I have never carried a boy it would be so cool. Why do I care? I am not sure really, maybe it is to prove to myself that my miscarriage about 7 yrs. ago was not because my body cannot carry boys but because there was something wrong and that was mother natures choice. I know it does not make sense to many but these are the thoughts that I have always had and it would be great to be able to put them to rest.

I have been still having tummy troubles, not sure of the cause but they are still there and some days are better than others. I have to get another twin pregnancy book, I sold all of mine a few yrs. ago never thinking I would need them again.LOL I went to the grocery store today to buy some protein powder, I got Boost High Protein it actually tastes great! So that is a plus. I HATE to drink milk and this stuff makes the horrid taste of it. I have to consume at least 112 grams of fiber starting at 20 weeks so I figure it is best to get a jump on it now, vs. later. I need to get better at planning my meals so that is what I am going to be doing this week. I am always sooo picky with eating so I need to make sure they are not only meals my family will like but me as well and that is going to be a BIG challenge.

Oh can't forget, when I go see my OB I am going to be talking to him about her neurotic MFM I saw, and will have to see again on the 14th of January for the 16 week scan. She scared the crap out of my IF's and I talked to them about how I felt. I told them that her job surrounds negative things ALL DAY and she is just SUPER cautious because that is her job, but normal twin pregnancies do not require MORE scans, or appointments. I LOVE them because they said that they agree and what ever Dr. B thinks is the plan is what they will go with! Now I have no problem seeing a MFM if there is ( God forbid) something wrong. But to just go as a precaution is just over kill and never mind time consuming.

Been a while, I guess.

So I guess it has been a while since I last updated. I have just not been a a updating mood I guess. Everything is going great. I am 12.5 weeks pregnant with twins! They are doing great, I am doing really well too. Besides feeling tired all the time I don't feel pregnant yet. Yesterday we had the nuchal scan and it went great. They both have a VERY low risk and we are just waiting on the blood work. The Guys flew out for the appointment and we were all very relieved to see both of them happy and healthy. A was very calm and did not move a whole lot, while B was all over the place. It was a good appointment. The only negative thing I can say is the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) Dr. was crazy. She "recommended" to the guys for me to see her once a month and then every 2 weeks starting at 20 weeks. Umm yeah that is NOT going to happen. If my OB recommends me to then I will, but I think MFM's are simply overzealous. She is just WAY to overly cautious. I am NOT going to 2 different dr's 3 times per month, that is just simply over kill. Never mind that she has no real reason for recommending that I do, besides that my twins were born at 34.6 weeks. They were a spontaneous labor birth. I never was dilated, and my cervix was long and closed 2 days before I went into labor. No matter how many times I see her a month she cannot prevent a spontaneous labor, period. Ugh dr's annoy the shit out of me sometimes, the way they handle pregnancy, labor/birth is just stupid. OK enough of my rant. They are doing great and so am I.

Christmas is right around the corner and I am so ready for it to be here and done already. So much prep goes into on stinking day it is just gross. I swear if I did not have children I would just boycott the whole holiday. Too much effort and money for a holiday that is just for the retailers to make more money off of the consumer. Oh well got to make the economy go round I guess.

Not sure how to feel...

So I am actually pregnant!! I am happy that I am but I am not really sure how to feel that I am pregnant with twins, again. Yes I have always known this was a very real possibility but I never really thought it would happen. So my IF's are very happy and excited, more so that it even worked the first try again, than anything else. they both were just so sure that because it worked so well and smooth the first time that this time it was going to take a couple of tries. Well looks like they were really wrong. I had an easy pregnancy with my twins so I am not worried about that part at all. I am not really sure what my actual feelings are. I am sure I will sort it out eventually.

So far this pregnancy has been very easy. No morning sickness at all, no anything really. I barely feel pregnant. If I was not soo tired or had actually cravings I would not even think I was pregnant. I have NEVER had cravings with any of my other pregnancies, I usually have a Libra brain when it comes to what I want to eat and when I am pregnant that is amplified by 100 but not this time, I always know what I want to eat. It is GREAT, so that and the fact that I am not feeling sick at all makes me think that these 2 are boys!! Man would that be exciting, considering out of 5 babies they have ALL been girls! Only time will tell!.

Betas, Beta, Betas....

Sooooo I had my first beta on 10/21 and it came back as 361. Ok that is a good strong number, nothing had me spooked about that. Well... Then Monday came 4 days after my first beat and that number was just crazy.....2,515. Yes that is right so it pretty much more than doubled. It should have been in the neighborhood of 1444 but is is just about double that. Not sure what to think, if I was super nauseous then maybe I would think twins but I am not at all, just SUPER sleepy and hungry! Ugh oh well guess I will have to wait and see.

Soooooooooooooooooo

I am thinking this picture will say it all!!!




So beta is tomorrow morning and I will report when I have the numbers!!!

It's been a while!

So the last time I updated was September 9th. Well things have gone great so far, and along with great they have been CRAZY!! So I started Lupron and it treated me well. No really crazy headaches or much to complain about. Started Estrace and that made me a bit moody but other than that no complaints either. BUT I can say that my ONLY complaint has been my NC at the clinic. She really does try her best but it just sucks that I have to keep behind her so much. I literally have to CC my IF on every email and make sure he calls her to make sure she got my email and that she either answers my question or she gets done what is needed. It is a pain but she is so sweet.

In between all of this we went on vacation to Disney! That was a great trip. The girls had tons of fun. Florida was different very humid which made me a bit icky feeling but other than that it was a very good vacation. So I got back from vacation and it was just insane at my house. I had 4 days to unpack everyone, wash clothes, prepare all their clothes for when I was gone, write all their schedules, collect money for cookie dough, deliver cookie dough. UGH OH and pack for myself! Yup crazy is my life this month..LOL

So I managed to do all that and not forget anything too.lol So finally Saturday has come and I am going alone, which stinks but there is nothing I can do. Mark picked me up at the airport and had Baby C with him!! She is so big and just too cute. I was happy to see them there waiting for me. We went out to their farm the first night and let me tell you it is just amazing. It is on 140 acres sits right on the bay and is right out of a Home and Garden book. They try to get out there every weekend and I can see why, it is just so peaceful and great. I won't go into my whole weekend with them but needless to say it was a good weekend, very relaxing.

So transfer day. Monday, everything went well. I woke up not nervous at all and then in the car on the way to the clinic I was SOOO nervous, I know I was nervous because Kaleva would not be there to hold my hand. I had done this before so I knew what to expect but I was missing my hubby who is my rock. We ended up transferring both embies that looked good, both 6day and hatching so now we wait!................ Yes the dreaded wait.lol I doubt I will update till either I pee or till beta day not sure, cause I am not sure if I will pee.

So I need all the belly rubs, sticky vibes, and positive thoughts you can muster!!

Loopy begins tomorrow!

So I got my meds on Wednesday! So freaking excited. I LOVE my RE. He has a no PIO protocol and it is wonderful! I only have to stick myself with one little needle, which is for the Lupron! I know surros that not only have the Lupron but they have e2v shots! These are twice a week but big needles, as well as PIO which is just crazy big and oil so it goes in S L O W L Y, PLUS they also have the suppositories.. Just crazy really. I have pills! Estrace 3times daily and prometrium daily. The prometrium is a bit of a hassle and I am sooooo glad that I don't start that until I am home from Disney! It would have been hell having to not only FIND a bathroom but find it 3 times a day at the SAME time to insert the suppository.. Yeah not so much fun. LOL

I get to start my Lupron on Friday which is used to suppress my ovaries so I do not ovulate and not get my period. It can make you have headaches and hungry, so I am going to have to watch out for that. Drinking LOTS of water usually help though.

And so the sibling project OFFICIALLY begins! WOOHOO I am so nervous and trying not to be superstitious about this, but it worked first try the last time which was great, not to mention I had a very uneventful pregnancy as well. I am praying/hoping to have a repeat.

Our Journey to her at OneTrueMedia.com

I made this for my guys and figured that I better send it to them considering we are cycling for Coraline's sibling! Enjoy

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

What a freaking Monday!!

Title says it all. It has been a great/not so great Monday.

The great part first, it will not be in order but that's OK. So for any readers that want to look back in my blog for info certainly can, this is about my FIM Sunshine who is now a friend of mine. She is 17 weeks pregnant with TWINS!! This is such a great time for her. She is actually beginning to let it sink in that she is going to be a mom. She has a wonderful surro Kelly. Kelly is so great. I can honestly say that at first I was a bit jelly that she was her surro and I wasn't but then taht feeling has gone away. This is the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to meet Sunshine, she has taught me so much these past 2 yrs. knowing her. And holy cow she posted pics on her blog so everyone could see HER babies growing! See this wonderful women Kelly that has a great twin bump! Ugh so freaking happy I could scream!

So OK on to myself..... I got the approval to move the days!!! YES! My calendar is final! PLUS I got the contract, which needs NOTHING changed!!!! We are just using the previous one with a few minor adjustments.. I am so happy that things are rollin along!! My transfer is on Oct. 11th!! I cannot wait.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABIES!!!

So by the name of the post it is someones birthday! Well it's my twins!! I cannot believe that they are 4. It seems just like yesterday that I was in my OB's office for a regular appointment but low and behold I was contracting, I felt NOTHING, and when i say that I mean it no twinges or anything. So my OB tells me to goto the hospital to get monitored for a few more hrs and to stop any possible impending labor. I was 34.6 weeks pregnant. So I thought to myself as I was driving toward the hospital that I don't even have my bag packed yet..

I did not have one packed because my pregnancy was going so great that I just felt that I would wait till 36 weeks to pack one.

So instead of going straight to the hospital I made a detour home to pack a small bag. So I get home and am in my room rushing around to get things in order and I stop to look at a picture that is on my dresser, I do not keep pictures on my dresser they are always down stairs in the living room, anyway the picture was of my hubbys father, who had already passed away, I thought it was even stranger though cause this picture WAS NOT on my dresser when I left for my appointment AND it was HIS BIRTHDAY as well. So I pick it up and talk to him as though he is there and say " Well Papa I sure hope my instincts are wring but I think you may just have to share your birthday with these 2" I then had an overwhelming feeling that he was there and telling me yes. Long story short Taylor & Moriah were born on his birthday! I did then and still do think that this was his plan all along..lol

So my twins are 4. Crazy thought for me because it seems like yesterday they were infants. I miss that smell, the smell of a baby, on their neck. I have always LOVED that smell. I miss begin able to hold and cuddle them, to watch them sleep. See their faces light up when you pick them up, to see them looking around to a world un- explored, full of possibilities. It is not like the twins are grown, but they depend on me less, and less and I can say that I truly miss that true dependency that once had.

I truly understand where parents come from when they say that "They will always be my baby" To me this means that they will always be my last. My last chance to breath in their youth, their fresh outlook on life. To experience their firsts. Makes me sad but at the same time I am over joyed that they are here, happy and healthy.

YAY!! I have followers!

LOL... I just wanted to say a HUGE thanks so my 2 followers and for my comment! I have been writing on this blog for just about 2 yrs. and this is the first time I feel like actually writing. I hope I don't disappoint..


So lets see whats going on now.. lets start with my f-up of a NC ( nurse coordinator) also known at my clinic as the Donor Coordinator. Don't get me wrong she is sweet and all but sweet does NOT get shit done. She is the 2rd one that my IF's and I have dealt with.. First was Tiffany, LOVED her she was the BEST and she was my NC last time I even bought her an extravagant bouquet of flowers and I was soooo excited to get to work with her again, but she is gone because she had a beautiful baby and is taking care of him. So on to the next one Heather! She started out great, she asked me what days I was not available and I let her know via email Sept 26th - Oct. 5th because that was our BIG Disney World trip. So she said fine no problems and to just let her know when my cycle started. Well my cycle started on the 21st, no problems there I thought it would be here between the 22nd-25th so i was right on track. I emailed Heather on Saturday and no word almost ALL day on Monday and that scared me because Monday was my day 3 and I knew I needed to get my baseline blood work done. Well the NEW NC called me at 3:30 Denver time which is 5:30 DC time so I knew she had probably forgot about me, well she told me to come in anytime from 7:30am - 9:30am, then I told her umm I am in Denver so I will go into my monitoring clinic, she then says Oh OK then you do that. I ask her if SHE wants ME to call them to schedule an appointment. Of course she shay yes. So I just deal and take it for what it s worth and call my clinic here, well guess what? She NEVER faxed over the orders to them AND they have to have that first, but even better they also HAVE to have a credit card on file before I can come in as well. '

I then try to call the DC clinic and the phones of course are off, so I leave a message AND send her a few emails. I of course have to call my IF to let him know what is going on and he is a bit unsettled because this new NC used to be in billing and she does not really know ( or at least she is showing us she dosen't know) what she is doing. OK fast forward to Tuesday.

Well it does not start out so promising. Remember I am 2 hrs behind DC so the NC is in the clinic and could have handled the 2 things that she needed to, that I told her needed to be taken care of BEFORE I could even schedule my appt. You think it was done?? NOPE. So I had to get on the phone and call around, I finally got her to fax the orders over but she still has not handled the credit card issue. I mean seriously?? So MY clinic out here calls me to see what the hold up is and then Lori says she will call the DC clinic to get it sorted and not to worry. Lets put it this way she speaks with the NC, NC tells her she will call her back in 10 min. well 20 min later and NO CALL. So I call MY IF and tell him, he calls MY clinic and gives them a CC and literally at 9am I am told to be there by 930am... Good thing I was ALREADY on my way to the clinic. UGH so annoying that I have to keep on track of these things.

Oh and she still messes up the calendar! She has on there for me to go in and get the ONE and only ultrasound and blood work on October 4th! WTF?? Did you NOT read any of Heather's emails? i am out of town. So I had to call and leave another message with her. I am NOT calling to tell my IF what is going on because it is just going to stress him out and he does NOT need the added stress.. So now I get to play phone tag again! Good thing I don't work cause if I did I would really be ready to kill this women!

NO SUPPORT...

Well given the title it really says it all. I will have NO support for my next journey. And to think I thought that I had the most supportive family ever. Well guess not. I just found out that my MIL thought that we ( DH) and I should have given her some of my comp money. That my DH "should" have wanted to give it to her.. Are you serious??? WOW is all I can say. And now she is against my doing this again which in turn means she will not watch the girls at all. Now I have to find a babysitter/nanny that I can trust my girls with, never mind that it will cost the guys more money, ugh. I am so tired to her yoyo support. Never mind that now I feel I will have to deal with my DH's lack of support because of his mother. I am so upset it is crazy.. I want this journey to be great and it is sooooo not starting out that way...Great

Another journey??

So I have been getting all my paperwork in order and have had my testing done. I am happy to say that all is well and I am healthy!! I was nervous about my PAP because of my scare back in 08 and I think I always will be, BUT it came back normal and fine. My agency is THE BEST. My coordinator D called and said that she has a couple that I might be interested in. I got their profile and was very happy because they seem like really down to earth great people. This time they are a traditional couple so that is a little scary. The IM is only 36 and has never been pregnant. I say that it scares me because I know with IF's they go into this KNOWING that they can never be pregnant and with an IM I do not know how she will react. What if we have a failed cycle ( which is a very high probability) what if I mis-carry, what if she freaks out cause I am pregnant. The likely hood of an IM pulling away and not having any contact after the pregnancy is a TON higher than with IF's and I am already in that world and I do not like it one bit. I HATE feeling like I have to beg for an update or a picture. It would suck to have to go through that again.

So they have my profile and have 2 days to say if they want to do a phone interview. BUT it will be longer than that because of the holiday weekend, which stinks but at the same time won't be too bad since its a fun weekend and busy. I am a lot more calm this go around, still have butterflies but not as bad. I haven't told anyone about the profile and what I think about my possible match. My hubby has asked a few questions here and there but he knows how this goes and won't be too concerned till I tell him that they want to talk and move forward. That's when ALL the questions begin..lol.

Just a little update on M... Her surro is 9 weeks and doing great. I think that this pregnancy will go just fine and in 7 months M will have her babies in her arms. I can tell by M's posts that she is way more calm about this cycle and has been since the beginning. So the next u/s is next Wednesday.

On another note. I haven't heard from my IF's in a few weeks. I have never received any type of real pictures, just camera phone quick shots. I know they did birth announcements and do you think I got one? NOPE. I know that I am not entitled to any contact at all and did not go into this to be BFF's with my IF's but damn. I just feel like a piece of chewed gum that got spit out. All used up and not needed and never given a second thought after I am spit out. I know that they have to think of me when they see their daughter but is it REALLY so hard to put forth an ounce of effort? I also have NOT told them that I am moving on, the last real conversations was me telling them and really opening myself up to them about how I wanted for us to try and be in contact more and how I felt. We talked and said we wanted to work together for a sibling journey but I know now that it is NOT possible. I feel bad somewhat cause I do think it will be hard for them to match with another surro. I know for a fact that I am a VERY open minded person and to find others like me is gong to be hard. I still have the want and desire to carry Caroline's sibling but again I have to think of ME and what I want out of this next journey. I cannot just think about my IP's, yes we all want the same thing in the end for them to be parents but at the same time is it right for me to compromise what *I* need/want? No and i will not. No I cannot force a relationship to be built but at the same time I can certainly move forward with another couple that would also like to at least TRY to build one with me.

Can I say this out loud???

Of course I can, IT'S TWINS FOR SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK I have been dying all day to say this, it's not like anyone really reads my blog or anything so it's not like I would have spilled the beans but it is Sunshine's news to cheer about first so I had to wait.. I screamed when I got the simple 2 line text today!! My girls all looked and came running, the said in unison I might add " what's wrong mommy!?" All I could say was nothing at all everything is just right! I am still amazed that she has twins bakin away it is the greatest thing and she so deserves this. I found out about a week ago that there were 2 sacs with yolks and both measuring the same, I could not get all excited till today though. I did let it run through my mind of her having her hand full (literally) with 2 babies! I daydreamed a little about how it would be for her and her hubby. I also went and thought about how it was when my girls were little, how crazy my life was for the first 2 yrs. I truly cannot wait till the day that she is talking about her being tired from no sleep. I can't wait to go and buy twin things... These babies are so incredibly blessed to have the parents they do. I know one day they will know how much they have been wanted and loved before they were even here and by soooo many people!! It is going to be so hard to not bother K ( her surro) I do not really know her very well but feel so close to her because she is carrying Sunshine's babies, I know it sounds weird but I do. Being a surrogate, mom and someone who has carried twins I just feel so attached to K and Sunshine. OK that is enough for now..

It's been a long time..

Since I have updated my blog. I have been through a lot since July 8th 2009 and it is quickly approaching my yr. anniversary since we transferred what is now a beautiful baby girl. I am so beyond elated that I have created a family. I just am really torn on what I want to do. I want to move on and help another wonderful couple but at the same time I want to wait for M&M so we can do our sibling project. I know they will not be ready till next year but my fear is that they will change their minds and push out the date further and I could have already begun on another journey. I had such great journey ( yes it had ups and downs but that is to be expected) that I really want to jump in again. I want to be pregnant again, I want to see and experience the looks/faces that I did with my IF's. Those are moments like with my own children's births I will NEVER forget. I am really thinking of talking with Dana just so I can get her opinion and maybe she can guide me in the right direction. I know that I will not jump in head first time I truly know that this is what I want and need.

It's funny cause I never really thought of being a surrogate as something that I would ever need..lol I LOVE the getting to know you process, learning about my IP's and who they are, what they are looking for, the type of parents they will ( God willing) be. Getting a contract, getting meds via the FedEx man, lol it was crazy cause the morning I got my meds the first time I was actually just looking out the window with anticipation. It was the same feeling I had as a young girl Christmas eve night, that waiting.. Then all the cycling stuff. You get soooo invested emotionally that you can't help but become attached to not only the baby you will carry but your Ip's as well. For me the attachment is directed WAY more towards my IF's. I can truly say that I miss the hell out of them. I miss them calling and emailing. yes we still talk but it is more limited, they are super busy dads of a wonderfully beautiful little girl. I look at her and I feel an immense sense of pride. I want that feeling again.... We shall see what the future holds.

An update is in order I guess..

Life has gone back to normal, if you call my life normal... I had a VERY rough 4 weeks after Miss Caroline was born. Physically I was just a mess. I had to have and emergency D&C and that whole experience was just crazy and a bit scary. I know it scared the living Jesus out of my husband. He is still a little different 4 weeks after that whole scare. I had to even call an ambulance to take me to the hospital.. Enough about me.


Miss Caroline is doing great. My IF's are of course over the moon happy. I on the other hand wish they would allow me a better glimpse into their world. I am back to feeling left on the other side of the window looking in. I almost feel like there is something wrong with me wanting to be more part of their life. I get pictures but only ones they take on the cell phone. I asked for pictures from the hospital weeks ago and they said they would send them but I have yet to get them. Yes I know they are busy but these are pictures that *I* took on my own camera. It was an accident that they were totally taken off my memory card. I really wanted to put together a picture montage for them and myself but I can't without those pictures. I am the one who is always emailing and asking for updates and pictures, it just feels like a VERY one way effort. I told myself that I wold stop emailing them and see what they do on their own with no reminders from me. I know I am not her family or part of her life but hell I carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and want to be in the "loop". I barley have time to think about it anymore which is a good thing. I am very busy with my own family, but every time I see a baby or pregnant women her face flashes in my mind. This may sound really wrong but I kinda wish that she were my FIM's because I know for a fact that I would be in the "loop". Ugh it is such a double edged sword sometimes. I am so beyond happy and grateful to my IF's for allowing me the glimpse that they have but I just want a bit more and I have no idea how to tell them without sounding like I am owed or demanding more from them.

Today has been REALLY hard. I have cried all day so far. Not so much around the girls but I am sure they can see my eyes are swollen and red. It will be a week today at 8:29 pm that I brought Caroline into this world. But it is also the same day that my FIM lost DIJ at 20weeks gestation. Today just really sucks. The guys have no clue how hard this actually is and nor do I want them to know. I am joyful to be the one to make them daddies, to make their dream come true. But these damn hormones SUCK!! After carrying her inside me for 9 months and to have an empty belly and arms is just beyond words hard. I never thought it would be this way. It is not that I want her, cause if you know me at all I DON"T I am content and busy all day with my own girls, it is just having nothing to show for my pregnancy and journey is f-ing hard. There are so many pictures for me to look and and smile but then I start to cry again.. ugh I HATE to cry. I cannot wait till my freaking hormones are back in stride with me instead of fighting against me. I know without a shoadow of a doubt that this will be soon to end and I cannot wait for that day, the day that I get a picture of Caroline and not want to cry, where I will light up with joy and pride. I just pray that these days of crying pass quickly and become distant memories.

The anniversary of DIJ's passing is today. My FIM has been on a steady path of depression for the last month or so, she knowing it was coming and it just became a deep hole to surround herself in and now that the day is here all I can do is pray that she is and will be OK. She has her family, but this is something that only SHE can face and handle. I pray she can handle it and makes her way out of this hole soon. We are all waiting on the other side for her to reach her hand out, so we can lift her up.. (((HUGS))) M.. Love you..

Today...

Today has been rough. I have been purposely keeping myself moving, not sitting still for long cause when I do she is all I can think of. My floors are being done so I have a really good excuse not to be home. I have been so incredibly patient with the girls lately it has even shocked me. Caroline's birth did something for me. I am a yeller, I yell for any and everything. I know it is not good to yell at the girls but it is such a hard habit to break and I did not yell at them once today. I am glad that whatever it is has happened. I have worked so hard over the years to not yell. So Miss C. is home with her daddies, has met her puppy Duke, been in her bassinet. She is home. It warms my heart so much to think of her at home where she has been talked about, dreamt about, prayed about. I cannot wait for more photos, I find myself checking my email all the time for updates even if it is just one sentance. I know that these first few weeks are going to be the hardest and I am OK with that. I have found some very caring women who have reached out to me, who understand what I am going through and am blessed to have them. I know for some who read this ( if anyone..LOL) may not understand what I am feeling and may get scared with how I feel about Caroline but please do not misunderstand my love for her as me wanting to keep her, cause again she was NEVER mine to keep to begin with. Of course I am going to feel attached to a child that I had growing, moving inside me. A child that I literally went through 9 hrs. of painful labor for, with no meds except for pitocin. I NEVER did that for my own children so her birth is EXTREMELY special for me, for my IF's. They got to see what it took for their princess to be born, they saw her with their own eyes, saw my pain, were thankful beyond works for it, for me. Not to say that my hubby was not thankful for me but he has never seen me in the state that M&M did, me moaning, rocking, screaming in pain to birth a baby. He was not there for her birth so he can only go by what he hears. I know M&M are thankful for what I went through ( willingly) for Caroline to be here. So her birth was very different and will never be forgotten by those who truly love and care for her, which means so very much for me. OK I am rambling again. But to say the least I just wish I could stay in bed and sleep, but I guess getting out with my girls is a great alternative too!

How hard....

I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. I am so full of different emotions it is crazy. I know my guys are and will be great dads but at the same time she will be soooo far away. I did not think I bonded with Miss Caroline while she was in my womb but as soon as I gave birth I felt the connection. It is not a like a mother lion, more like a mother hen. She is sooo precious. I am ecstatic that I have helped M&M start their family. It is just hard to face the unknown, yes they day they will keep me updated and involved but there is no guarantee and I cannot expect anything because I am the one who has agreed to that unknown future. I do not by any means regret or am thinking twice about giving Caroline to her dads, considering that, that is WHERE SHE BELONGS. My thinking is that I can't give her to her dads because she was never mine to give, if that makes sense. She has ALWAYS been their daughter. I was just the women who helped them get her here. I know I sound like I am rambling but I am 4 days post delivery and my mind is so clouded and foggy that I can barely focus my thoughts. I am having a rougher time because I do not have a baby to distract me from my thoughts. I am pretty much alone in my thoughts, yes I share my feelings and thoughts with my hubby but he is a VERY logical thinker so it is hard for him to understand how I am feeling.

So today was my goodbye with Miss Caroline and it was very nice to have my girls there so I could be distracted from crying. I do not want them to see me cry so they are not confused because this is such a wonderful and joyful time. When we arrived at the hotel she was sleeping, so peaceful and calm. She was simply divine. I had the girls sanitize their hands, even though they would not really be touching her, LOL, mother hen thing coming into play again. I went straight to the crib and asked if i could hold her, of course they said yes and i picked her up. It was such a wonderful thing to be able to hold her and introduce her to my girls. All I could do was look at her, smell her. A crazy thing happened that I NEVER expected. I felt my milk leak while holding her, I know the feeling well from my own girls and was shocked that it happened with her. My milk did not come in till I got home from the hotel so I was not prepared for that. It was nice to know the my body knew her, my emotions obviously know her but never did I expect my body to respond. I know that she knows me because every since she has arrived she has responded to voice when I talk. When I was still in the hospital with her and the guys went to dinner with their parents and I got some alone time with her she knew me, she was a little fussy and I decided to try and out her on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat ( it has always helped with my girls) to calm her and it worked!! It amazed me, she is such a calm and quiet baby. I am so in love with the fact that M&M are daddies, I loved being able to watch them with her, watch them experience their firsts with her. I have been able to be a fly on the wall and just watch and listen and take it all in and for that I will FOREVER be grateful, regardless of what the future holds with M&M and miss C. with me.

I am glad that I have somewhere to write down my thoughts, it has helped to get them down and to know that I can come back and read them as well. I will continue to write as the days pass. I am prayerful that things get easier, things are not hard but I do not want them to get that way either.

Caroline's birth

We arrived as scheduled on Wednesday March 17th for our C-section. Kaleva and I met the M&M in the lobby. They looked like dear caught in the headlights, they were ready to be dads but a bit overwhelmed that it was today! So we go up to L&D and I am put into my gown and on the monitors. I felt good that morning. No contractions or anything. So our nurse we had was named Tiffany Day and she was such a doll, just a great help and very sincerely sweet! So she put my IV in and it only took her 1 try!! So that shows how great she is cause it usually ALWAYS takes them more than one shot with my rolley veins. So at about 10am about an hr. after being there in on the monitors I noticed that the irritable uterus contractions that were on the screen became a tad more regular, about 2-3 min apart and they were grabbing my attention. I mentioned this to the nurse and she said that she would check me. Well according to her I was 2-3 and about 70% effaced so a bit more than my appointment last week with Dr.B. so she reminded me that just because I came in for a c-section I could always do a VBAC and at least try and let the baby see what she will do, she had flipped head down again so we were ready to go if I decided that I wanted to give it a few hrs. So she got Dr. B and he was also on board, said that he could break my water and see if that would bring on stronger contractions. He too reminded me that THIS was our original plan, to VBAC. I was a bit worried that the guys just wanted Caroline here and they kept telling me that I was in the drivers seat and they would be happy and fine with whatever I chose. I am not sure why but I just felt like I needed to giver her a chance to be born the way she should be. So a VBAC it was.

Dr. B broke my bag of waters around 11:30am and pretty much immediately I felt the contractions. I was transferred to a birthing room, since I was just in a prep room. And was put back on the monitors. I could definitely feel that the contractions were getting stronger, I did not realize that laying in a bed and laboring is HORRIBLE until then. Sarah came and was like lets get out of bed and walk, and it felt soo good to walk, I was still having them but they were not painful. So I had a new nurse named Jessie ( who was supposed to be my original nurse but she was busy which is why Tiffany too over, plus she, Tiffany, is the charge nurse) who came in and at first she was sweet but a little pushy, she wanted to check me almost every hr. I had to get the guts up to tell her no more checking me for a while. She agreed but acted like she did not want to. So I got to walk and sit on the birthing ball for a about 2.5 hrs before they stuck me on pitocin, it was my request NOT to have it unless necessary but they found it necessary. The contractions were consistent at 2-3 min. apart but not very strong and had not changed my cervix at all. So they started me on a dose of 2 milli, per min. This was around 3:30 and she said she would keep turning it up every 30min-1hr. Well I could feel that the contractions were getting stronger but no big deal so I went to walk, this whole time Sarah was great she and I were just talking and laughing and making jokes. So I knew they were still not strong enough. Well here came the nurse to turn it up to 4, 4 was still bearable and alright but a bit more painful.

So around 4pm I found myself having to close my eyes and focus a bit more, I was feeling more pressure so I knew the pitocin was working. I decided to get checked again. WELL Jessie needless to say preformed the MOST painful exam I have ever had, she said she could feel the scar from where I had my LEEP done and that she wanted to really try and stretch through the scare tissue because she thought that was why I had not dilated. She was so rough and I know I have a high cervix but damn, after all that I was still a “ stretchy 3” so she freaking turns it up to a 6 after she leaves, does not ask or say anything just does it. Which was SOOOOO annoying. Like I did not have choice. Ugh. So on to more contractions, only these ones were some really good ones, they were making me have to sway and focus on other things. I was happy that I was doing it this way but man I just knew it was going to get a LOT worse.

So we were predicting times but everyone thought it would be MUCH later that I would have her. The nurses kept telling me that after my cervix got past the scar tissue from my LEEP then I would be JUST fine and things would progress quicker. It would just be a matter of time. So I continued to contract and around 6 pm they wanted to turn it up to 8 but I bluntly told the nurse NO cause these contractions I was having at a 6 milli were good strong contractions. She ( Jessie) was NOT happy with me saying no and blamed it on Dr. B wanting to turn up the pit. Well I was not having it, so Tiffany (Charge nurse) came in and was so sweet in the way that she explained to me WHY they wanted to turn the pit up. It made sense why and the baby was just fine, she was actually having accelerations when I was contracting so she was a happy camper and as long as she was happy they would keep the pit up. So up the pit went to an 8 and THAT is when things started to get hairy and PAINFUL. I had to actually close my eyes and focus on something else entirely. It was rough but doable. I thought my pain level was on a 7-8 with these contractions. So around 7 pm things were getting hairy and I had to start labor dancing with Sarah, moaning, swaying to get through the contractions and Sarah just kept making sure I was focused and staying strong. She also explained what would be happening to the guys, with me, when I get to transition, how I would be acting, the birth and how things “could” happen. The guys were very happy that she explained these things to them. So around 7:30-7:45 I needed to be checked at my request cause it was just a LOT of pressure, so they checked me and I was 5-6!! So I knew things were progressing but man these contractions were as well. This was around the time that I started to tell Sarah that I could not do this and the new shift nurse ( Margret) was soooo annoying she kept asking me what I wanted to do and if I wanted an epidural and petting me like I was a dog I finally had to tell her to stop touching me. It was crazy I think she really wanted me to say that I wanted an epidural. Well a few minutes later I was begging for one and that nurse jumped up so fast to get the anesthesiologist it was crazy and Sarah kept telling me that I could do this without it and just a bit longer, well it happened so fast that at 8pm I was 8cm and was in FULL transition and it was ROUGH to say the least. It was beyond painful, I know that I was loud as hell too. LOL So the anesthesiologist came in and was asking me questions and I answered them before he was even done asking me the question, it was sort of annoying. Well Sarah just kept me soooooo focused that I did not want to get off of the floor for him to even do the epidural. The nurses decided to call Dr. B, but because I was moving so quickly that they had to call the OB that was there in the building, and at the last minute Dr. B made it and it was time to push. So @ 8:19 I started to push and by 8:29 pm Miss Caroline was born!! She is sooo beautiful! No swelling at all, her head is perfect! She is small after all!! Only 6.9 lbs it is funny that they are ALWAYS wrong about the size of the babies that I have had and she proved to be the same, she is 19inches long.. She is soooo beautiful! I got to see the guys face right after she was born and it is something I will never forget! I still cannot believe that I had a pitocin, epidural free birth. I can’t say I will EVER do that again but I can say that it was worth ALL the pain!

St. Patricks day baby!!

Well I have a c-section scheduled for Wednesday the 17th for 11:30 am. I am excited, anxious, nervous, scared all at the same time. I am so happy for the guys. I know they are beyond excited, as well is there family. It is weird to know what day and time I will have Caroline, I never knew with my girls, I just went into labor and that was that. It is REALLY going to suck when I get home from the hospital, I will have ZERO help. I am really glad that I can stay for 5 days in the hospital. I will only have K. with me for one freaking day and that is Wednesday. I know I am going to have some emotional issues about that. WTF?? I will be in the hospital by myself, and then at home with 4 kids BY MYSELF... I am just so irritated about that it is crazy I can't even be happy when I should be damn near euphoric about the pending delivery. PLUS on top of that I have offered to pump which I don't regret but I am going to be sooooo tired. Oh and even more wonderful things is K has decided to get the floor in the Kitchen/bathrooms done too.. Ugh I am going to explode. These next few weeks will be really hard on me..

Let the count down begin.

So here I am at 35.4 weeks. I will be 36 weeks on Friday which is just so beyond great! I remember with the twins this was such a pivotal week, my Dr.s would keep telling me that is where they wanted me to get to, at least 36 wks. I never made it, made it to 34.6 weeks. I am SOOOOO happy to make it to 36 weeks. the guys are now all set. They started to interview nannies for Caroline and are happy with the potential candidates. It is so strange though, I never thought I would have such a connection or bond with this baby. I am praying that whomever they choose is a great person, caring, loving, gentle, patient. I want nothing but the best for Caroline. I can honestly say that I would be beyond pissed if her nanny is nothing but all the above listed things I mentioned. She will me thousands of miles away from me and that is a sad reality. I would LOVE it if M&M would keep in contact with me but I can't make them, I can't expect them to. I am not her mother, I am the one who has been blessed to be able to carry her, nurture her, and love her for the past 9 months and that is it. M&M are now in the home stretch, they have their bags packed with her things, her car seat ready by the front door. Their phones are now on at all times of the day and night just waiting for my call.

I can say that I am ready for her to come. My body is tired, my mind is tired from all the anticipation, thinking about what the future holds for her. I have my 36 wk. appointment on Friday and that is when we will get a final estimate on her weight and see where my body is, if I am effaced or dilated. I am praying that I am. I would love to go to that appointment and him tell me I am 3-4 cm dilated and effaced. I have been thinking about asking to be induced. It just seems better fo all of us. For me so I can plan for where the girls are going to be, so I can make sure K is with me, that Sarah ( my doula) will be there. So M&M will not miss the birth of their daughter. I will be talking to my Dr. about this at my appointment. I just think it will be better, and IF I end up needing a c-section then so be it, I don't really care how she is born, just so that she is healthy and happy. My desire for a birth experience is NOT more important than that. So my journey is coming to a quick end and it actually makes me sad, but at the same time I am so freaking excited for M&M to be daddies. I can't wait for the actual day of her birth, seeing their face the first time they see her, hold her, feed her. It has been a great experience for me, has had it's ups and downs but worth EVERY minute. I pray that I will be talking this same journey with M&M in about a yr. or so, that i get the added blessing of carrying her sibling, making her a big sister! OK enough rambling.. Can't wait till Friday!

A little update!

So I am now 34 weeks and if I go into labor my Dr. told me he would not stop it.. I am praying that I do not go into labor just yet. I want this girl to stay put for at least 3 more weeks. Since Thursday I have just felt off, not sure what is going on but off. I have been on and off dizzy, had blurry vision, cloudy pee and swelling. But it has all been irregular, oh plus contractions, nothing consistent but still there. K thinks I am crazy but I am not sure what is going on, it is starting to get on my nerves really. I do not have a BP monitor so I can't check my BP too often. I have to go up to the Riteaid to check it, I have taken my pulse though, several times, and that number has been high at times, anywhere from 82-99 but again nothing consistent. She has not been moving as often. She still moves 10 times in 2 hrs, which is what they look for but I am starting to get a little worried. I have an appointment on Thursday and want to hold out till then cause K is going to come with me and it will be the first time at my OB and I really want him to meet Dr. B before I am in the hospital!! LOL So here is to hoping that these are just "symptoms" of being pregnant.

Hospital scare..

So yesterday I woke up when K was getting ready for work and my face felt swollen. I went and looked in the mirror and YEP it sure was. My eyes being almond shaped and the fact that I am half Japanese so I fat eye lids anyway were REALLY swollen. It alarmed me a bit but since my hands and feet were fine I did not think about it. I went back to sleep not thinking twice. When I woke up to take the girls to school I had a headache and was having some cramping.. So I got up and got them ready and took them to school, on my way home I was SOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable and crampy. So I got home and fed the girls, the WHOLE time I was contracting and just kept thinking about what I needed to do that day. Well by the time the girls nap time came I had been steadily contracting. Nothing serious or painful but I just noticed they would not go away. So after I laid them down I sat for a while and drank lots of water to see if that would help them go away, it did. But then around 4-4:30 they came back full force and with pressure.. i told K when he got home around 6 that I think I needed to call the Dr. he asked me to wait a little while. So during the time of waiting they were getting more and more frequent. I laid the babies down for bed and told Kayle and her friend ( who was spending the night) to get their things ready for bed. I called Dr. B and he called me right back and told me to come in.

I get to the hospital and am immediately put into a room. I gave them a urine sample and get put on the monitors and as soon and they put it on I can see the contractions. I knew something was up when the nurse had another nurse come into the room to read the dip stick. I had trace amounts of protein in my urine, NOT GOOD. So i started to get worried. They gave me a shot of terbutaline and NOTHING it did NOTHING, So 15 minutes later when my contractions were still coming every 1-3 minutes they gave me another, Then i started to get a bit of relief but still felt a LOT of pressure. I had them check me and I was 1cm dilated but -2 which means the baby was still high and the inside of my cervix was closed, GREAT NEWS!! But these contractions would NOT stop. So I got another shot still nothing. I was seriously thinking I was going to have Caroline at 32 freaking weeks!! yes I know she would survive but she would be in the NICU for a while and I would NEVER want to relive seeing a baby i gave birth to in there, it is just horrible seeing them hooked up to tubes and monitors. So they started me on something called Procardia which they have started to use instead of magnesium. It did not fully stop them but it definitely spaced them out. I felt so scared. I was by myself in the hospital and all I wanted was K next to me telling me it would be OK, not listening to his calm voice over the phone telling me to be strong and joking that I'd better not have this baby yet. being strong, sweet, yet firm with me that things would be just fine. I was so scared for M&M that they'd have a preemie on their hands because of me. That their lives would never be the same, that Caroline would never be that normal wonderful child, nothing against children with disabilities cause they are just as wonderful but they do come with their challenges, more than a healthy full term child does. I just did not want that for her, for M&M. So around 11pm they gave me my first of 3 doses of the Procardia, at this point I was so sleepy i had already been given an Ambien when they gave me my last shot of terbutaline at 10:15 so by this time it had kicked and I was just so tired from not sleeping well the past few days cause we got a new puppy and I had to wake up in the middle of the night several nights in a row to take him out to potty.. I then found out I was staying the night and that I would have to have one dose of Procardia once an hr for 3 hrs straight, so that meant being woke up every hr. till 1am. so i got through that but then I was so worried about the contractions and Caroline that i kept waking up and looking at the monitor to see how bad my contractions really were.. They never did stop, just got further and further apart. even now I am having them at least 2-3 every hr. I was sent home with a prescription for the Procardia, to take it every6 hrs. as needed. And if my vaginal pressure gets any worse to call them. So far so good no real pressure just the contractions. I am VERY happy that through all those contractions, and Caroline already being engaged in my pelvis ON my cervix that my cervix did not change or dilate. So i have not been put on bed rest or anything like that, just been told to take it easy. Yes that will be easy..NOT, not with 4 kids and a house to keep clean. So that was my scare and for me a pretty big one considering I have never gone into pre-term labor.

Our 30 week appointment

So the guys flew in on Thursday evening, the day before our appointment. On Friday I got the older 2 girls ready for school and then came home to straightened up and feed the twins. I got them dressed and ready to go to their Big Momma's house ( I know sounds funny but that is really what she wants to be called..LOL) I got myself ready and dressed and then was out the door. I felt very excited to get to see Miss Caroline. I have not seen her since October, so I wanted to see how big she was. I picked Lani up from school and dropped all the girls off at their Big Momma's. They truly adore her she is a wonderful help and a blessing to me. So I got to the Dr's office and the guys were not there yet. I got there around 11:25 so it was odd that they were late. I started to get worried, not sure why but I did. Well they got there within minutes of me arriving. I LOVE my Dr's office, they are so great and understanding. So I gained about 2lbs. which is good since I have only gained about 8-10 lbs this whole pregnancy!! OK now to Miss Caroline. She is head down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a HUGE relief since I am wanting to VBAC and since she already weights a little over 3.5 lbs she most likely won't be flipping. I pray she won't. She is so cute though, you can already see that she is getting chunky, her cheeks are already chunky.LOL The guys were so amazed at how big I have got and how big she is. the Dr. made sure she is still a she and of course she is. I have been very paranoid about my cervix length since I had to have a LEEP done in Oct. of 08. I had him check it and it is measuring 4.1 which is great! So the appointment went GREAT she is estimated to be a big girl around 8-8.5 lbs at birth. She will be the biggest baby so far. We only have about 8 more weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!! It is going by sooooo fast. The guys are just about done with the nursery and I can't wait to see it. They are going to be GREAT dads.
So after the appointment the Dr. took us on the hospital tour himself ( I told you he was a great Dr. !!) He showed us the rooms and where I need to be dropped off if I go into labor at night, he also told me that he will not stop my labor if I go into labor after 34 weeks. Kinda scary to think of but I guess by then she will be just fine. The twins were born at 34.6 weeks so I know from them that she may need a bit of help but will do just fine! Oh back to the hospital tour. It was great. They plan on doing some updating but the actual facilities are great they have tubs in all the rooms which means that I can labor in the tub if I want too!! Sarah said that she has a birthing ball that she will be bringing ( she is a friend and fellow surrogate and my Doula!) with her so I feel really good about being able to labor her naturally. I also made sure that I do not need to have continuous fetal monitoring and only a pick line ( where they just put the line in your arm so they have easy access if necessary) which means I can walk and be free of all belts and IV bags!! That is a great thing. To be able to labor how I want to. So after our appointment we went to lunch which was a really nice lunch. I got to talk to the guys about possibly doing a sibling project. They said that they were going to talk to me about it too!! So they absolutely want me to carry her sibling/siblings!! I am so freaking happy to know that it is just crazy!!! So if all goes well with my VBAC then I will be looking for IP's come June so that way by October/November we will be ready to transfer! If I have to have another c-section then I will just wait till they ( the guys) are ready to start out sibling project. This is because for the sibling I would have to have another c-section which I would be fine with since it would be my last time even being pregnant. So things went really well!!!! I am so excited... So just 3 more weeks till my next appointment.. Usually it would be every 2 weeks but my Dr. is great and know that I trust my instincts and plus being pregnant for the 4th time helps too.LOL

30 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH I can't believe that I will be 30 weeks tomorrow... That means I only have about 8-10 weeks left!! The guys are flying out and will be at the appointment tomorrow and I can't wait to see them. They are actually staying for a visit which is cool. I can't wait to see Miss Caroline tomorrow! I pray that everything is alright and she is growing right on track.

Amanda..... Mandy.. I will miss you....

Well yesterday I found out that a very good friend of mine from high school passed away on January 4th. I found out in a pretty shitty way too. I went onto her FB page to which her a happy birthday which was the 13th and I say all the well wishes to hr family and we miss you's.. UGH. I completely broke down. I could not even think straight. I just spoke with her a few days before Christmas. I really wanted to have lunch with her soon and bam she is gone?? She was 29. She was a nurse, an army reservist, great friend, passionate, loving, caring, funny, goofy, she was one of the best people that I knew.. I remember being in high school with her she was laid back, one of the first people to make me feel like I was not the new kid, which I was. The new kid from Mass. She was one of the few white girls at my high school wish was mostly black. But she never really just hung out with he white girls, like they did they liked to keep to themselves but not Mandy, she was loved and liked by EVERYONE and when I say that I mean it, she never had any issues with anyone. She loved to laugh and to make other laugh ans her smile would brighten up any room. She was so smart and knew what she wanted. I envied that about her. I am 29 and still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.LOL. We were on the swim team together, tennis team too. And she was GREAT at both. I sucked at tennis but was pretty good at swimming. It seemed no matter what she tried she succeeded at. Her parents were always so supportive of her and the other girls on the team, they always cheered us on and believe me, I never had that support of my parents, My dad was at work all the time and could not be there and my mom just could not careless ( to be honest)and it was soooooo nice to have her parents cheer me on too. Gosh I really wish I could have been a better friend to her, after high school we parted ways, she was on her way to college and I was a single mom raising a baby and working full time so we drifted apart. I finally found her about a yr. ago via FB and was so glad to have found her!! Being a wife and mom I do not and will ot let most of the peple in my past back into my life cause I know they are about the same drama as they were in high school, so the few that I let back in were and still are important to me. I can say taht she was a HUGE part of my life in the past and will be HIGHLY missed... Rest in peace Amanda....Love you...

Time for an update!!

Well I am now just about 29 weeks and feeling GREAT!! I know that the 2nd trimester I am supposed to feel better, have more energy but hell it just did not work out that way..LOL So I have been feeling a TON better physically except for my cold/cough I have had for a few weeks. It gets sooooooooo annoying to cough all the time and pee a little at the same time..LOL It comes with the territory I guess. So the guys will be here next Friday for our 30wk. appointment and I can actually say I am excited. A light bulb of sorts clicked on in my head a few weeks ago in regards to our relationship. My hubby has been telling me for months that this is just how they are and they are just guys and don't expect a lot from them. I know they are beyond thrilled with the impending arrival of Caroline and getting more and more excited. I just wish I knew a way to reach out to them more. So I think I am going to start texting them more about how the day has gone or about her moving, that sort of thing.. I have started on their scrapbook for her. I do not have many pictures at all so I have asked the guys to send me some so I can get those in there and then the rest will be open for them to put pics in when she gets older, when she first comes home that type of thing so VERY easy for them to have a scrapbook all they have to do is glue the pics to the page that is already decorated!! I am sure they will love it. I have also been looking for a gift for them for when she arrives. I am sure I have it pin pointed to 3 choices so now all I have to do is pick one..LOL Yeah like that is easy..

I have found that I am BIGGER with Caroline then I have EVER been yes even the twins..LOL I have to go and actually buy some more clothes, mainly shirts since I know that in a few more weeks everyone and their mothers son will be able to see the bottom of my belly..NOT a pretty sight..


So an update with M.. She went and got tested for celiac's disease ( upon the insistence of her sister) and turns out that she MOST likely has it. She was tested through an independent lab the all the results were positive but her Dr. at a well known clinic said she wants to run her own tests and have a biopsy done next week. I really am praying that she has it, weird I know but this could be the reason why she is infertile, WHY she lost DIJ. Undiagnosed celiac's disease can cause women to be infertile AND late term miscarriages. I really want her to be positive for it, because if she is then she can cleanse her body of gluten and then try IVF on herself again. Women with controlled and diagnosed celiacs disease have been know to get pregnant and do just fine! So we shall see. GOD I am praying for her so hard..



OH and I totally forgot to mention that I have now resolved to birth naturally, no drugs, NO PITOCIN nothing!!! At the most I will as my Dr. to strip my membranes, I refuse to have him break my water until I am at least 4-5 and in active labor. I am going to be doing a TON more research on this and my friend Sarah had agreed to be my birth Doula!!!