Thursday, April 22, 2010

An update is in order I guess..

Life has gone back to normal, if you call my life normal... I had a VERY rough 4 weeks after Miss Caroline was born. Physically I was just a mess. I had to have and emergency D&C and that whole experience was just crazy and a bit scary. I know it scared the living Jesus out of my husband. He is still a little different 4 weeks after that whole scare. I had to even call an ambulance to take me to the hospital.. Enough about me.

Miss Caroline is doing great. My IF's are of course over the moon happy. I on the other hand wish they would allow me a better glimpse into their world. I am back to feeling left on the other side of the window looking in. I almost feel like there is something wrong with me wanting to be more part of their life. I get pictures but only ones they take on the cell phone. I asked for pictures from the hospital weeks ago and they said they would send them but I have yet to get them. Yes I know they are busy but these are pictures that *I* took on my own camera. It was an accident that they were totally taken off my memory card. I really wanted to put together a picture montage for them and myself but I can't without those pictures. I am the one who is always emailing and asking for updates and pictures, it just feels like a VERY one way effort. I told myself that I wold stop emailing them and see what they do on their own with no reminders from me. I know I am not her family or part of her life but hell I carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and want to be in the "loop". I barley have time to think about it anymore which is a good thing. I am very busy with my own family, but every time I see a baby or pregnant women her face flashes in my mind. This may sound really wrong but I kinda wish that she were my FIM's because I know for a fact that I would be in the "loop". Ugh it is such a double edged sword sometimes. I am so beyond happy and grateful to my IF's for allowing me the glimpse that they have but I just want a bit more and I have no idea how to tell them without sounding like I am owed or demanding more from them.

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