Sunday, December 27, 2009

Almost to the 3rd trimester!!!!!!!!!!!

I am almost in the third trimester!! Thanks goodness. I feel HUGE, I can't roll over in bed anymore without help, I have a hard time getting in and out of bed. LOL I am glad that it is almost 2010! Not really sure why but I am. I am thinking about next year already. I have been feeling a ton better about this surrogacy. I have finally accepted that the guys are just that guys and they mean no harm and are ELATED that their little Miss Caroline is on her way and even though we may not be life long friends or that close I am doing a wonderful thing, this is all thanks to my loving hubby!! I no longer wish for this to be over so quickly. The girls are understanding more that this is not our baby or their sister and are OK with it ( I think) Kayle being the older one understands the concept and thinks it is cool, Lani finally understands that this baby is NOT going to live with us, she asked if she could see her when she gets bigger and I told her maybe and she was good with that answer..LOL All of hubby's family knows now so that is a weight off my shoulders as well. I am getting more and more excited to be able to see little Miss soon. I can;t wait till the guys come out in January to my next appointment. I have an awesome gift for them!! I am actually looking forward to finding new IP's and doing this again!! I am not sure if I want IF's again or a traditional couple. I know that I want a closer relationship though.. I did think that I would get to work with my FIM though but that is VERY doubtful. I am not even sure I can call her that since we never even got to the contract phase. We have become rather close friends though. She had a filed transfer just recently with her surro and it really just sucks, plain and simple. She did find out info on adoption that has her a bit intrigued which is good. I was sad to see on her blog that she is going to continue to work with her current surro until all the frozen's are used up. We had talked and she said this would be her final try and then she would wait for me, I know I can't expect her to wait, it just sucks to think that I will never get a chance to work with her.. I know I will be on the look out for more IP's come June so that way in October when I can transfer again we will be ready. Then I am almost positive the guys will want miss Caroline to be a big sister and I would jump at the opportunity to be the one to carry her sibling!! And that would leave me finished as a surro. I would have helped 2 family's be created and birthed 7 babies.. I would have loved, loved, loved to be able to work with her but I do not think it is in the stars for us to work together.. Got to love my plan though..LOL That's IF it even remotely works out the way I think it will, God just may have other plans for me..LOL

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Moving right along

Well I a 26 weeks and honestly it could not move fast enough. I am so ready for Caroline to be born so I can stop feeling horrible. IT is not a physical feeling just emotional. I have to get this off my chest. I gave my IF's the link to thins blog when I started it and am not sure if they follow it or not, and to be honest I don't care. They have made me feel like I am not important at all, yes they are happy I am pregnant with their daughter but that never gets relayed to me. We email once a week and that is it. They do not attempt to even try to make me feel included in their lives, I tried to include them a while ago but have stopped since I felt like I was the only one trying to build a bond/connection. My hubby keeps telling me that this is just how they are and I have to accept that, I know that but shit I am carrying THEIR baby!! At first when I could feel her move I was so excited and wanted to share that excitement with them but since I felt shut out I just didn't bother, I don't know how many times I went to pick up my phone to call them and share but I put it back down cause I thought what's the use. When they have come to town they have not even bothered to try and visit with my girls or hubby. All we do is go to the appointment and then lunch, last time I was just like hell I might as well just go home what's the point?? They have not shared any pictures of her room or what they are buying for her and no they don't have to but it sure would feel nice to be included in some of that. I would LOVE to go baby shopping with them but I know that won't ever happen. I want to make a scrapbook for her and want to include them but that would be soooo awkward. I see so many stories about how surros are so close with their IP's and I get sad. They get invited to the baby shower, get to meet their family ect. Not me though. I understand that they are private people but a little more effort would be nice. I has an appointment yesterday and after it was over I said instead of the usual email I will make it more personal I will call them to let them know everything was alright. You think they answered the phone?? NO I left a message and did not hear ANYTHING back from them till almost 8:30 last night and guess what it was a freaking email.. I am sorry but when I was pregnant and called my hubby after an appointment he MADE sure he answered just in case there was anything wrong. I know they care but I just don't think they give a rats ass about me personally. I just know that after I give birth there will be no more contact. will be one of those surrogates that does not get any updates or pictures of the life that they took care of for 9 long months. It is not like I want to be apart of her lie, I have 4 girls of my own. But I know how special those milestones are and I know I will be thinking about her around the times that they should be taking place, never mind when she gets older and can talk, is in school ect. I will always wonder how she is, the type of person she is, what she likes, what she does not like.

Sorry for the not so good update but I had to get that off my chest.