Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Today has been REALLY hard. I have cried all day so far. Not so much around the girls but I am sure they can see my eyes are swollen and red. It will be a week today at 8:29 pm that I brought Caroline into this world. But it is also the same day that my FIM lost DIJ at 20weeks gestation. Today just really sucks. The guys have no clue how hard this actually is and nor do I want them to know. I am joyful to be the one to make them daddies, to make their dream come true. But these damn hormones SUCK!! After carrying her inside me for 9 months and to have an empty belly and arms is just beyond words hard. I never thought it would be this way. It is not that I want her, cause if you know me at all I DON"T I am content and busy all day with my own girls, it is just having nothing to show for my pregnancy and journey is f-ing hard. There are so many pictures for me to look and and smile but then I start to cry again.. ugh I HATE to cry. I cannot wait till my freaking hormones are back in stride with me instead of fighting against me. I know without a shoadow of a doubt that this will be soon to end and I cannot wait for that day, the day that I get a picture of Caroline and not want to cry, where I will light up with joy and pride. I just pray that these days of crying pass quickly and become distant memories.

The anniversary of DIJ's passing is today. My FIM has been on a steady path of depression for the last month or so, she knowing it was coming and it just became a deep hole to surround herself in and now that the day is here all I can do is pray that she is and will be OK. She has her family, but this is something that only SHE can face and handle. I pray she can handle it and makes her way out of this hole soon. We are all waiting on the other side for her to reach her hand out, so we can lift her up.. (((HUGS))) M.. Love you..

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