Thursday, July 1, 2010

Another journey??

So I have been getting all my paperwork in order and have had my testing done. I am happy to say that all is well and I am healthy!! I was nervous about my PAP because of my scare back in 08 and I think I always will be, BUT it came back normal and fine. My agency is THE BEST. My coordinator D called and said that she has a couple that I might be interested in. I got their profile and was very happy because they seem like really down to earth great people. This time they are a traditional couple so that is a little scary. The IM is only 36 and has never been pregnant. I say that it scares me because I know with IF's they go into this KNOWING that they can never be pregnant and with an IM I do not know how she will react. What if we have a failed cycle ( which is a very high probability) what if I mis-carry, what if she freaks out cause I am pregnant. The likely hood of an IM pulling away and not having any contact after the pregnancy is a TON higher than with IF's and I am already in that world and I do not like it one bit. I HATE feeling like I have to beg for an update or a picture. It would suck to have to go through that again.

So they have my profile and have 2 days to say if they want to do a phone interview. BUT it will be longer than that because of the holiday weekend, which stinks but at the same time won't be too bad since its a fun weekend and busy. I am a lot more calm this go around, still have butterflies but not as bad. I haven't told anyone about the profile and what I think about my possible match. My hubby has asked a few questions here and there but he knows how this goes and won't be too concerned till I tell him that they want to talk and move forward. That's when ALL the questions

Just a little update on M... Her surro is 9 weeks and doing great. I think that this pregnancy will go just fine and in 7 months M will have her babies in her arms. I can tell by M's posts that she is way more calm about this cycle and has been since the beginning. So the next u/s is next Wednesday.

On another note. I haven't heard from my IF's in a few weeks. I have never received any type of real pictures, just camera phone quick shots. I know they did birth announcements and do you think I got one? NOPE. I know that I am not entitled to any contact at all and did not go into this to be BFF's with my IF's but damn. I just feel like a piece of chewed gum that got spit out. All used up and not needed and never given a second thought after I am spit out. I know that they have to think of me when they see their daughter but is it REALLY so hard to put forth an ounce of effort? I also have NOT told them that I am moving on, the last real conversations was me telling them and really opening myself up to them about how I wanted for us to try and be in contact more and how I felt. We talked and said we wanted to work together for a sibling journey but I know now that it is NOT possible. I feel bad somewhat cause I do think it will be hard for them to match with another surro. I know for a fact that I am a VERY open minded person and to find others like me is gong to be hard. I still have the want and desire to carry Caroline's sibling but again I have to think of ME and what I want out of this next journey. I cannot just think about my IP's, yes we all want the same thing in the end for them to be parents but at the same time is it right for me to compromise what *I* need/want? No and i will not. No I cannot force a relationship to be built but at the same time I can certainly move forward with another couple that would also like to at least TRY to build one with me.

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