Sunday, March 21, 2010

How hard....

I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. I am so full of different emotions it is crazy. I know my guys are and will be great dads but at the same time she will be soooo far away. I did not think I bonded with Miss Caroline while she was in my womb but as soon as I gave birth I felt the connection. It is not a like a mother lion, more like a mother hen. She is sooo precious. I am ecstatic that I have helped M&M start their family. It is just hard to face the unknown, yes they day they will keep me updated and involved but there is no guarantee and I cannot expect anything because I am the one who has agreed to that unknown future. I do not by any means regret or am thinking twice about giving Caroline to her dads, considering that, that is WHERE SHE BELONGS. My thinking is that I can't give her to her dads because she was never mine to give, if that makes sense. She has ALWAYS been their daughter. I was just the women who helped them get her here. I know I sound like I am rambling but I am 4 days post delivery and my mind is so clouded and foggy that I can barely focus my thoughts. I am having a rougher time because I do not have a baby to distract me from my thoughts. I am pretty much alone in my thoughts, yes I share my feelings and thoughts with my hubby but he is a VERY logical thinker so it is hard for him to understand how I am feeling.

So today was my goodbye with Miss Caroline and it was very nice to have my girls there so I could be distracted from crying. I do not want them to see me cry so they are not confused because this is such a wonderful and joyful time. When we arrived at the hotel she was sleeping, so peaceful and calm. She was simply divine. I had the girls sanitize their hands, even though they would not really be touching her, LOL, mother hen thing coming into play again. I went straight to the crib and asked if i could hold her, of course they said yes and i picked her up. It was such a wonderful thing to be able to hold her and introduce her to my girls. All I could do was look at her, smell her. A crazy thing happened that I NEVER expected. I felt my milk leak while holding her, I know the feeling well from my own girls and was shocked that it happened with her. My milk did not come in till I got home from the hotel so I was not prepared for that. It was nice to know the my body knew her, my emotions obviously know her but never did I expect my body to respond. I know that she knows me because every since she has arrived she has responded to voice when I talk. When I was still in the hospital with her and the guys went to dinner with their parents and I got some alone time with her she knew me, she was a little fussy and I decided to try and out her on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat ( it has always helped with my girls) to calm her and it worked!! It amazed me, she is such a calm and quiet baby. I am so in love with the fact that M&M are daddies, I loved being able to watch them with her, watch them experience their firsts with her. I have been able to be a fly on the wall and just watch and listen and take it all in and for that I will FOREVER be grateful, regardless of what the future holds with M&M and miss C. with me.

I am glad that I have somewhere to write down my thoughts, it has helped to get them down and to know that I can come back and read them as well. I will continue to write as the days pass. I am prayerful that things get easier, things are not hard but I do not want them to get that way either.

No comments: