I guess I should update..

Well I had my OB appointment on the 20th and everything is looking good. Baby N is growing right on target. I am very happy. I have been pretty nervous about this pg. Since I have been in the world of IF ( infertility) I am not so oblivious to what could possibly go wrong. It seems surreal. I know I am pg but I can't be fully happy about that for a while yet. I will be happy when I can feel baby N moving around on a regular basis cause then I will at least know that the baby is thriving. On another note this pg has been VERY rough on me and my family. I have not cooked on a regular basis since about mid July. K has been just so helpful, even though he is not emotionally attached to this pg ( not like I expect him to be) he has been a HUGE help, he has given the girls baths, cooked dinner ( or at least bought it..LOL) and has cleaned up a TON.. I am truly blessed he is such a wonderful hubby. My IF's on the other hand have not been very communicative. I know it is a possibility that they will read this and that is fine, I am NOT going to mix my words. I went from having the MOST supportive IM EVER to 2 guys who work so freaking much they can't check in on me more than once a week. I accept that but man is kinda sucks.. At least I have 6 more months to mentally prepare myself for how it will be after. I know not all IP's want a close relationship and I am not really asking for that either but I would like to become friends.. But it is what it is..

I will ALWAYS remember

Today is a VERY hard and sad day for my FIM M.. Today was her due sate for her precious D.I.J, who was born sleeping on March 24, 2009. I remember back in November of 2008 when She was just so sure her ED cycle would not work and that we could transfer when my body had healed from me LEEP. I was over the moon ecstatic when in December her first beta came back and she was preggo.. I was so excited for her it was crazy. It was amazing to me that I was so happy for this women who I had only known for 2 1/2 months. This women who I had become so close to in such a short time ws going to experience her ultimate dream of being a mom, not through someone else but SHE herself was pregnant, she herself could feel her baby move inside her, she did not need to rely on anyone else to tell her what it was like. She had some scares along the way and of course she was worried. But then when she had finally put her guard down, devastation. David had passed away in utero. His cord was double the length and restricted his blood flow/nutrients/oxygen. I remember the devastating text I had received from her it was short and to the point. All I could do was cry for her, literally that is what I did, I cried like a baby. I could not believe my eyes. All I could think about was how was she going to handle this?? How do you come back from something like this? What could I do? I thought about flying to NY when she got home to take care of her, I knew she would not want me to, but I still thought about it. I had just matched again with the guys and I really considered telling them that I could not move forward with them, cause I wanted to be there for M whenever she was ready to move forward. I knew she would want to but I did not know how long it would be, but I was willing to wait. Well after a long talk with my DH and agency we felt it would not be right for me to just drop them. I told M that I would do whatever she wanted and in turn she felt the same way the others did. I was amazed by he strength, courage. She wanted to move forward right away. Even though she was still reeling from her loss, her mind was still on her goal. To be a mom. She has shown me so much these past 8 months. I am indebted to her forever. She makes me want to be a better mom. I know that whenever she is blessed with a baby she is going to be the best damn mother on earth. After all she has been through, I know that baby will be truly blessed to have her as their mother.. M if you read this please know that I truly have felt your pain and joy these past 8 months and will continue to be there for you in any and every way I can possible be..The girls will always know you as Auntie M!!! I Love you

I don't have much of an update and I have not been very up to doing one either. I have been very nauseous and heartburn has also started as well. Yesterday I could not eat, think about eating or even look at food without feeling sick and the heartburn never went away. This morning is a tad better but I have not had much to eat. I am going to really be counting down the weeks till I am in the 2nd trimester, hoping I get some relief. I have been feeling a bit down for several reasons. The first is that M my FIM has been having such a horrible time with everything in her life and now she has pretty much shut me out which makes me sad but I have to be understanding. Second is the guys are still guys and the communication thing is still lacking.. It is not like I want them to email me everyday but dang at least more than once a week, but whatever. I have resigned myself to know this is how the journey will go and I have to be OK with it. I told myself that I will just keep doing what I am doing so that way I know I did what I knew was right. I just feel very alone in this whole process. K is very supportive but because this is not "his" baby he is not very understanding about how I am feeling, that REALLY sucks. I know I am and overemotional wreck and never mind the fact that I can't freaking eat without feeling like crap. am the type that LOVES food and I can't even think about enjoying it while I am pregnant feels like a slap in the face. I am looing forward to next week cause it will be busy. The girls go back to school, Lani will be going to K this year and she is beyond excited.. The twins will be going to pre-school to that is good too.

We have a Heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well my U/S was on Thursday and the guys flew in so they could see for themselves. They flew in the night before. So the whole week I was very nervous, I have just been so paranoid seeing all the loss on SMO lately. I still am on the nervous side, but not as bad. Well I pick the guys up from their hotel and we were off to the appointment! The u/s tech was so NICE and informative! We saw the little bean or I guess I can call it baby N since thy already have names picked out and I think it is a boy, considering how I am feeling is WAY different than any of my pregnancies with the girls..OK so we saw baby N and he had a hb of 134!! Which is really good, the u/s tech even let the guys hear the hb, that had never happened with any of my pregnancies it was always later in the pregnancy that I got to hear their h/b. So needless to say the guys are just thrilled!! I know they were hoping for twins but they are happy that they have a healthy baby! So my next appointment is August 20th and I get to see my new OB who I just know is great! I just keep praying that everything will go well with this pregnancy and baby N will be healthy.