Monday, March 22, 2010


Today has been rough. I have been purposely keeping myself moving, not sitting still for long cause when I do she is all I can think of. My floors are being done so I have a really good excuse not to be home. I have been so incredibly patient with the girls lately it has even shocked me. Caroline's birth did something for me. I am a yeller, I yell for any and everything. I know it is not good to yell at the girls but it is such a hard habit to break and I did not yell at them once today. I am glad that whatever it is has happened. I have worked so hard over the years to not yell. So Miss C. is home with her daddies, has met her puppy Duke, been in her bassinet. She is home. It warms my heart so much to think of her at home where she has been talked about, dreamt about, prayed about. I cannot wait for more photos, I find myself checking my email all the time for updates even if it is just one sentance. I know that these first few weeks are going to be the hardest and I am OK with that. I have found some very caring women who have reached out to me, who understand what I am going through and am blessed to have them. I know for some who read this ( if anyone..LOL) may not understand what I am feeling and may get scared with how I feel about Caroline but please do not misunderstand my love for her as me wanting to keep her, cause again she was NEVER mine to keep to begin with. Of course I am going to feel attached to a child that I had growing, moving inside me. A child that I literally went through 9 hrs. of painful labor for, with no meds except for pitocin. I NEVER did that for my own children so her birth is EXTREMELY special for me, for my IF's. They got to see what it took for their princess to be born, they saw her with their own eyes, saw my pain, were thankful beyond works for it, for me. Not to say that my hubby was not thankful for me but he has never seen me in the state that M&M did, me moaning, rocking, screaming in pain to birth a baby. He was not there for her birth so he can only go by what he hears. I know M&M are thankful for what I went through ( willingly) for Caroline to be here. So her birth was very different and will never be forgotten by those who truly love and care for her, which means so very much for me. OK I am rambling again. But to say the least I just wish I could stay in bed and sleep, but I guess getting out with my girls is a great alternative too!

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