Almost to the 3rd trimester!!!!!!!!!!!

I am almost in the third trimester!! Thanks goodness. I feel HUGE, I can't roll over in bed anymore without help, I have a hard time getting in and out of bed. LOL I am glad that it is almost 2010! Not really sure why but I am. I am thinking about next year already. I have been feeling a ton better about this surrogacy. I have finally accepted that the guys are just that guys and they mean no harm and are ELATED that their little Miss Caroline is on her way and even though we may not be life long friends or that close I am doing a wonderful thing, this is all thanks to my loving hubby!! I no longer wish for this to be over so quickly. The girls are understanding more that this is not our baby or their sister and are OK with it ( I think) Kayle being the older one understands the concept and thinks it is cool, Lani finally understands that this baby is NOT going to live with us, she asked if she could see her when she gets bigger and I told her maybe and she was good with that answer..LOL All of hubby's family knows now so that is a weight off my shoulders as well. I am getting more and more excited to be able to see little Miss soon. I can;t wait till the guys come out in January to my next appointment. I have an awesome gift for them!! I am actually looking forward to finding new IP's and doing this again!! I am not sure if I want IF's again or a traditional couple. I know that I want a closer relationship though.. I did think that I would get to work with my FIM though but that is VERY doubtful. I am not even sure I can call her that since we never even got to the contract phase. We have become rather close friends though. She had a filed transfer just recently with her surro and it really just sucks, plain and simple. She did find out info on adoption that has her a bit intrigued which is good. I was sad to see on her blog that she is going to continue to work with her current surro until all the frozen's are used up. We had talked and she said this would be her final try and then she would wait for me, I know I can't expect her to wait, it just sucks to think that I will never get a chance to work with her.. I know I will be on the look out for more IP's come June so that way in October when I can transfer again we will be ready. Then I am almost positive the guys will want miss Caroline to be a big sister and I would jump at the opportunity to be the one to carry her sibling!! And that would leave me finished as a surro. I would have helped 2 family's be created and birthed 7 babies.. I would have loved, loved, loved to be able to work with her but I do not think it is in the stars for us to work together.. Got to love my plan though..LOL That's IF it even remotely works out the way I think it will, God just may have other plans for me..LOL

Moving right along

Well I a 26 weeks and honestly it could not move fast enough. I am so ready for Caroline to be born so I can stop feeling horrible. IT is not a physical feeling just emotional. I have to get this off my chest. I gave my IF's the link to thins blog when I started it and am not sure if they follow it or not, and to be honest I don't care. They have made me feel like I am not important at all, yes they are happy I am pregnant with their daughter but that never gets relayed to me. We email once a week and that is it. They do not attempt to even try to make me feel included in their lives, I tried to include them a while ago but have stopped since I felt like I was the only one trying to build a bond/connection. My hubby keeps telling me that this is just how they are and I have to accept that, I know that but shit I am carrying THEIR baby!! At first when I could feel her move I was so excited and wanted to share that excitement with them but since I felt shut out I just didn't bother, I don't know how many times I went to pick up my phone to call them and share but I put it back down cause I thought what's the use. When they have come to town they have not even bothered to try and visit with my girls or hubby. All we do is go to the appointment and then lunch, last time I was just like hell I might as well just go home what's the point?? They have not shared any pictures of her room or what they are buying for her and no they don't have to but it sure would feel nice to be included in some of that. I would LOVE to go baby shopping with them but I know that won't ever happen. I want to make a scrapbook for her and want to include them but that would be soooo awkward. I see so many stories about how surros are so close with their IP's and I get sad. They get invited to the baby shower, get to meet their family ect. Not me though. I understand that they are private people but a little more effort would be nice. I has an appointment yesterday and after it was over I said instead of the usual email I will make it more personal I will call them to let them know everything was alright. You think they answered the phone?? NO I left a message and did not hear ANYTHING back from them till almost 8:30 last night and guess what it was a freaking email.. I am sorry but when I was pregnant and called my hubby after an appointment he MADE sure he answered just in case there was anything wrong. I know they care but I just don't think they give a rats ass about me personally. I just know that after I give birth there will be no more contact. will be one of those surrogates that does not get any updates or pictures of the life that they took care of for 9 long months. It is not like I want to be apart of her lie, I have 4 girls of my own. But I know how special those milestones are and I know I will be thinking about her around the times that they should be taking place, never mind when she gets older and can talk, is in school ect. I will always wonder how she is, the type of person she is, what she likes, what she does not like.

Sorry for the not so good update but I had to get that off my chest.

I am now 21 weeks and can feel baby Caroline move everyday. It is such a strange feeling. I almost feel bad or that I am a bad surrogate in some way. I feel her move and I feel nothing emotionally. With my own when ever they would move I would talk to them, with her I want to but at the same time I do not have that connection. I guess that is a good thing but at the same time it is just sooo weird to me. I feel a lot better lately, lazy but better. I have NO IDEA how I will decorate or go shopping for Christmas. I have to pull out all the decoration so I can get the show on the road and then I will start Christmas shopping in December, I know better late than never though right??LOL I have been bugging my DH to get his freaking chair out of the living room so I can get the tree out but he has yet to do it, ugh! Men what can I do. So I have been thinking about what to get the guys for Christmas and I still have NO CLUE. I want to get them a daddy statue of some sot but have not found the right one yet.. I hope I find it soon...

Time for an update....

I guess it is pointless at this point to even update my blog, never mind to even have one. No one reads it, I did not really expect a whole lot of traffic but dang I did expect a little more..LOL Well I am 15 weeks this week and so far so good. I am still VERY cautious with my thinking and me relaxing. I have seen things go so horribly wrong. I think I will be really relaxed when I reach the 28 week mark. I have been feeling this bean move more and more. It is not very often but at least I feel the movement and that makes me feel so much more at ease.

I am so unsure of what to do or how to help. My little sister had one of the MOST violating things happen to her today by some piece of shit human being. I cannot believe this has happened to her. She is such a smart free spirited girl and I am almost sure she will never be the same again. I just want to rescue her and I know that this is not possible. I have watched this girl since she was born, watched her crawl, walk, talk. I have seen her get into trouble, have seen her triumphant. Now I have to see her broken. I am so sad I just want to cry and ask why? Why do men not understand that no is no? Why do men feel that they can just take things? I hate men right now, I am so beyond upset it is crazy. I have not gotten out of bed at all except to feed the girls and put them down for their daily nap. What do I do? What do I tell her? How can I comfort her? I just want to erase this day from her memory, take this day away. I want to castrate that piece of shit. Please dear Lord take this pain from my sister, heal her, comfort her, make her stronger.

Well the NT scan went well!! the baby's score was 1.0 which is VERY low so all is well, just waiting for the blood work but given that the score is so low I am thinking very positively that the blood work will show the same. The guys flew out for this appointment as well and they were very excited to see their little bean on the screen! They were amazed by how much movement was going on. The u/s took a little longer that normal cause the bean was not cooperating very well with it's position. It was funny cause the u/s tech would jiggle the wand on my belly and you could see the baby jump with the movement, finally I laid on my side for a few minutes and the when we tried to look again the baby was in the PERFECT position! They only got the one great shot of the baby, it was too funny cause every time they would try to see the position the baby would move into some crazy position. After the appointment we went to see Dr. B. He was so great!! The guys LOVED all the dr.'s and nurses and said we are in a great hospital! I am very relieved that they are happy and like the Dr.!! So we are soon to be in the 2nd trimester and things are getting better I have been in a better mood and have had a bit more energy! I am VERY happy about this cause my house is suffering greatly..LOL I try to keep it up but dang it is so hard with 4 kids and a hubby! K has been a HUGE help though he has cooked dinner a couple times and cleans up all the time for me. Man am I blessed to be married to him♥♥♥♥

So very soon I wll be able to make a trip to Massachusetts to see my family that I have not seen in about 15 yrs. I have seen my Grandmother several times but that is because she has flown out here. Since I have been married I have not really had the opportunity to go out there cause the air fare for all of us is crazy never mind the fact that flying with 4 kids is boarding insanity. Plus K is now ready to take care of all the girls by himself..LOL He will be taking them to school too, he even has to do their hair, kind of a scary though LOL. So on the 23rd this month I will be flying out! I am getting VERY excited.. My older sister was supposed to go but she is really stupid. I say this cause she allowed her ex boyfriend to purchase her ticket and told her DH that our parents boutht it for her. All I can say is WOW what the Fuck was she thinking??? Her DH is such a nice guy, granted he has is issues but she is so far from right in this whole situation it is crazy. I was really disappointed that she did that. K and I have ALWAYS had the same attitude toward cheating, if you can't do it around me then it is cheating, and if you don't want to be with each other then LEAVE do not stay for the kids cause that is a cop out. I would NEVER cheat on K, never mind because I am in love with him but because of my feelings towards it, it is just cowardly on so many levels, if you are not happy then freaking leave...UGH

In need of an update I guess... I am now 11 weeks 3 days. So far so good. I stopped all my meds at 10 weeks 5 days. It was a few days after the RE wanted me to stop but it was when I was comfy doing so. I read that the placenta starts to take over at the 10 week mark so I just gave it a few more days. I have been feeling a TON better since stopping the meds. The first few days were rought I actually had hot flashes..LOL Nothing new other than that. The guys will fly in on Wednesday night for the NT scan and I am just praying that the baby is healthy. I would HATE to even think about terminating. So I have been praying hard that this baby is perfectly healthy!

I guess I should update..

Well I had my OB appointment on the 20th and everything is looking good. Baby N is growing right on target. I am very happy. I have been pretty nervous about this pg. Since I have been in the world of IF ( infertility) I am not so oblivious to what could possibly go wrong. It seems surreal. I know I am pg but I can't be fully happy about that for a while yet. I will be happy when I can feel baby N moving around on a regular basis cause then I will at least know that the baby is thriving. On another note this pg has been VERY rough on me and my family. I have not cooked on a regular basis since about mid July. K has been just so helpful, even though he is not emotionally attached to this pg ( not like I expect him to be) he has been a HUGE help, he has given the girls baths, cooked dinner ( or at least bought it..LOL) and has cleaned up a TON.. I am truly blessed he is such a wonderful hubby. My IF's on the other hand have not been very communicative. I know it is a possibility that they will read this and that is fine, I am NOT going to mix my words. I went from having the MOST supportive IM EVER to 2 guys who work so freaking much they can't check in on me more than once a week. I accept that but man is kinda sucks.. At least I have 6 more months to mentally prepare myself for how it will be after. I know not all IP's want a close relationship and I am not really asking for that either but I would like to become friends.. But it is what it is..

I will ALWAYS remember

Today is a VERY hard and sad day for my FIM M.. Today was her due sate for her precious D.I.J, who was born sleeping on March 24, 2009. I remember back in November of 2008 when She was just so sure her ED cycle would not work and that we could transfer when my body had healed from me LEEP. I was over the moon ecstatic when in December her first beta came back and she was preggo.. I was so excited for her it was crazy. It was amazing to me that I was so happy for this women who I had only known for 2 1/2 months. This women who I had become so close to in such a short time ws going to experience her ultimate dream of being a mom, not through someone else but SHE herself was pregnant, she herself could feel her baby move inside her, she did not need to rely on anyone else to tell her what it was like. She had some scares along the way and of course she was worried. But then when she had finally put her guard down, devastation. David had passed away in utero. His cord was double the length and restricted his blood flow/nutrients/oxygen. I remember the devastating text I had received from her it was short and to the point. All I could do was cry for her, literally that is what I did, I cried like a baby. I could not believe my eyes. All I could think about was how was she going to handle this?? How do you come back from something like this? What could I do? I thought about flying to NY when she got home to take care of her, I knew she would not want me to, but I still thought about it. I had just matched again with the guys and I really considered telling them that I could not move forward with them, cause I wanted to be there for M whenever she was ready to move forward. I knew she would want to but I did not know how long it would be, but I was willing to wait. Well after a long talk with my DH and agency we felt it would not be right for me to just drop them. I told M that I would do whatever she wanted and in turn she felt the same way the others did. I was amazed by he strength, courage. She wanted to move forward right away. Even though she was still reeling from her loss, her mind was still on her goal. To be a mom. She has shown me so much these past 8 months. I am indebted to her forever. She makes me want to be a better mom. I know that whenever she is blessed with a baby she is going to be the best damn mother on earth. After all she has been through, I know that baby will be truly blessed to have her as their mother.. M if you read this please know that I truly have felt your pain and joy these past 8 months and will continue to be there for you in any and every way I can possible be..The girls will always know you as Auntie M!!! I Love you

I don't have much of an update and I have not been very up to doing one either. I have been very nauseous and heartburn has also started as well. Yesterday I could not eat, think about eating or even look at food without feeling sick and the heartburn never went away. This morning is a tad better but I have not had much to eat. I am going to really be counting down the weeks till I am in the 2nd trimester, hoping I get some relief. I have been feeling a bit down for several reasons. The first is that M my FIM has been having such a horrible time with everything in her life and now she has pretty much shut me out which makes me sad but I have to be understanding. Second is the guys are still guys and the communication thing is still lacking.. It is not like I want them to email me everyday but dang at least more than once a week, but whatever. I have resigned myself to know this is how the journey will go and I have to be OK with it. I told myself that I will just keep doing what I am doing so that way I know I did what I knew was right. I just feel very alone in this whole process. K is very supportive but because this is not "his" baby he is not very understanding about how I am feeling, that REALLY sucks. I know I am and overemotional wreck and never mind the fact that I can't freaking eat without feeling like crap. am the type that LOVES food and I can't even think about enjoying it while I am pregnant feels like a slap in the face. I am looing forward to next week cause it will be busy. The girls go back to school, Lani will be going to K this year and she is beyond excited.. The twins will be going to pre-school to that is good too.

We have a Heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well my U/S was on Thursday and the guys flew in so they could see for themselves. They flew in the night before. So the whole week I was very nervous, I have just been so paranoid seeing all the loss on SMO lately. I still am on the nervous side, but not as bad. Well I pick the guys up from their hotel and we were off to the appointment! The u/s tech was so NICE and informative! We saw the little bean or I guess I can call it baby N since thy already have names picked out and I think it is a boy, considering how I am feeling is WAY different than any of my pregnancies with the girls..OK so we saw baby N and he had a hb of 134!! Which is really good, the u/s tech even let the guys hear the hb, that had never happened with any of my pregnancies it was always later in the pregnancy that I got to hear their h/b. So needless to say the guys are just thrilled!! I know they were hoping for twins but they are happy that they have a healthy baby! So my next appointment is August 20th and I get to see my new OB who I just know is great! I just keep praying that everything will go well with this pregnancy and baby N will be healthy.

Our Fun day!!

Well we went to Water World yesterday and it was very fun for the girls!!! We rented a Cabana and had the hardest time trying to even find it but once we did it was GREAT!! We had our own space away from everyone else, and if you know me at all that is very important to me...lol I like people but at a distance..It just annoys me when I lay out a spot and people or their kids trample all over our stuff.. So it was a good day I had the twins with me and K had the older girls. The twins had so much freaking fun it is crazy.. Lani and Kayle had a blast with daddy cause they are bigger so they can ride on rides and Mommy does not DO RIDES at all..LOL I may not have ANY pictures of our day cause wonderful K let the camera get soaked, it was a disposable cause I dared not bring our digital cause I thought it might get ruined well my guess was right. So now I have to pray to GOD that I have a few pictures of my babies first day at the water park.. I am a dork and forgot to put sunscreen on my chest and am now soooo red!! LOL at least none of the girls are burned!

So as of pregnancy symptoms I do not have very many except for the knot in my stomach when I lay down and my EXTREME sleepiness. I had been nauseous but that is now gone, so I am praying everything is OK and on August 6th we will see a nice strong heartbeat! Maybe even 2!

THE NUMBER OF THE DAY!!

OK so for some reason today has been VERY stressful.. I woke up at 2:15 this morning and did not fall back asleep till around 4am.. I woke right back up at 6:30. I had a knot all morning. My brother was kind enough to come and watch the girls while I went to my appointment this morning. I get to the appointment and am so freaking nervous, I was not this nervous on Friday or the transfer day.. just weird. I could not help but think that my numbers would not double.. So I get home and right as I pull up ( my girls are out side playing) I hear Moriah screaming.. I look over and throw the car in park ( I have to have the brakes checked now cause I am sure as hard as I stopped something might be wrong with them now) and run out of the car and it is still running. Her mouth is covered in blood. My poor baby was so excited to see me home that she missed a step and fell flat on her face and busted her lip, scraped under nose and had a bump on her forehead.. MY poor baby... I am so thankful for her not loosing any teeth, she fell so hard..


OK so NOT a good re-entry back home from my appointment. So fast forward to around 11am I start laundry and picking up the house cause I HAVE to keep myself busy..Well 12 noon hits and I find myself on my computer on several sites looking for other peoples updates, which were not good so of course I am panicking cause these are all bad signs.. Then 12:30 hits and I just can't take it anymore, so I email my NC no response and she is usually spot on with replies, so then I call, nothing so I leaver her a message. Then I call the clinic here that did the test and they tell me " Well we faxed over those results at 10 this morning.." and of course I asked them " Can YOU tell me the results?" she say " No but I will re-fax them" OK so now I KNOW I have the results and there is no mix up in the lab holding them up, so I call my NC (nurse coordinator) AGAIN and again NO answer, so I just tell her ( on VM) that I called my clinic and they re-faxed over the results and to call me as soon as she gets them.. So in the mean time I am freaking out cause I automatically think it is a bad results and my NC told the guys first and they are just trying to figure out how to break the news to me.. Well 1:15 comes and my NC is so apologetic and says they had a surprise FDA audit and she has been soo busy.. Well the good news is after all the crazy waiting I now have my numbers and I am DEFINITELY pregnant!! My number was 643!!!!!!

M&M are going to be DADDIES!!!!!!!!!!

SOOO I had my beta today and it came back at 128!!! I am so freaking happy for M&M!! They are going to be great daddies!! I am thinking that it is a singleton but that is OK, I just want them to have a happy healthy baby! I go for another beta on Monday so fingers crossed!!!

This is what I got this morning at 4:30am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait till tomorrow's beta! I even asked Tiffany at the clinic if I could tell the guys the good news!! So she is going to call me first then I get to call the guys!

BETA IS FRIDAY!!!

Ok so I woke up early this morning a peed and it was just a light as yesterday... Needless to say I was bummed out BUT Kaleva was so sweet and said " Well honey there is STILL a line so that mean something right??" Gosh I love that man... So I feel a little better plus everyone keeps telling me it is fine so I am backing off of the worry train.. I am going to try my hardest to NOT pee anymore today. I plan on going to the store later today to get a digi test, I'll use that one tomorrow.

So our beta is Friday at 8am!!! I am super excited and wish it were Friday already!

Time for a new post I guess.
Well we had our transfer on Wednesday the 8th at 12:35 EST.. It went really well! It was so hard to not pee as they want a full bladder... Plus they push on your bladder when they do the u/s so the RE can see the placement of the embryos.. I got to see where they were placed it was pretty cool! I am now 5dp5dt! I peed this morning and got the faintest of lines!! I am now addicted to peeing cause I NEED to see the line get darker! I am very happy but of course the guys don't know yet cause they don't want me to tell them so I won't. Our beta is on Friday and I cannot wait till later on Friday so I can actually KNOW I am pregnant! This whole process seams surreal to me.. The fact that I may just be pregnant is just such a blessing.

5 EGGS!!!!

We only got 8 eggs from the donor and out of that 8 only 5 were viable BUT all five fertilized!! The eggs look really good according to the RE and it will defenitly be a 5 day transfer! I am so freaking excited! In less than24 hrs I will be on a plan to DC!!!

We are set!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well we are a go!! The flights are booked, the ED had her retrieval today. I am still waiting to hear how many eggs they got.. waiting stinks! I started my prometrium today, all is well so far!! I am getting VERY excited. I looked at all the bags all packed and ready to go and it FINALLY hit me that I am going to my first transfer, and hopefully last for at least a year! I am really hoping everything works out great!! As I sit and think there are so many what ifs in my mind but I try to not think too much about them casue if I do thenI would get NO SLEEP!! So our flight leaves Denver @ 11:30am on Sunday! I just can't wait!

Well I have not updated in a WHILE!! LOL Well it is only ONE more day till July!!!!!!!!!! I am excited but nervous at the same time. I found out yesterday that the guys ED was not stimmimg as well as Dr. S would have like and she only had 8 follicles 6 were big 2 were small so he is only expecting 6 eggs. She has another round of blood work and sono tomorrow (Wednesday) so I am hoping the other 2 are big and maybe she might even have some more, but most importantly is that we get good strong eggs and they all fertilize and we make it to a day 5 transfer. I know I am asking a TON but I really want this to work for the guys. I am super excited about the transfer and what it will be like. I won't lie and say that I am not just as excited about going to DC to see the guys and the city, it will be my first time there so that alone is exciting. So we shall here tomorrow about the donor and if we have a set transfer date or not, so fingers crossed! So if all goes well then Thursday will be my last day of Lupron and then Friday I start my prometruim 3x a day!!

Time for an update!!

Well nothing much had happened beside I have started on my meds, which are Lupron and Estrace. The Lupron needle is VERY small and easy to do by myself. The transfer is about 27 days away!! I can't believe it but it is actually coming so fast! I have to figure out where the dog is going to go though. I am really hoping everything goes well with the ED and she stimms well and has no issues or complications. I have my first lining check on Thursday plus a blood draw, I hope that everything is right where it is supposed to be!

WOOOHOOO AF came early this morning and I am just so happy about that..LOL who would have thought I would be happy my period came. I have heard so many stories that surrogate are supposed to get their period and I don't know if it is nerves or excitement but their period is late and throws off the transfer dates... So i was very happy when she came just 1 day after I expected her to.. So I have my VERY FIRST official cycle appointment tomorrow with Dr. Trout!! I met her last October when Marisa came out here. She was VERY nice and warm not like most Dr's now a days. Tomorrows appointment is so they can check my lining and make sure it is doing what it is supposed to do so my fingers are still crossed for that. If all goes well I start Lupron tomorrow night!! and then Estrace on Friday! I am so excited...

So Marisa and her hubby went to St. Martins for a week long vacation which they DESPERATELY needed. She had become almost like a sister to me. We talk about 3-4 time per week and it is very nice that we have built this bond. Well she said she got me a turtle charm for good luck for the transfer!! She is such a doll it is just crazy. She is going through some things that I am very worried about for her with her journey. I just think that people see an opportunity to take advantage of her in such a time of desperation and heartache and it makes me sick to my stomach. All I can do is pray she makes the right decision and that God protects her no matter what decision she does make.......

Well here's to getting the OK tomorrow and actually really getting this ball rolling!!

MY MEDS CAME!!!

OK I am so OVER THE MOON HAPPY it is crazy I just got my meds and I am happy. I never in my life would have thought that I would be happy to to get a box full of needles and medicine that may just make me cranky....LOL I have also thought about bringing my puppy Zeus with me to the transfer. I think I am going to be staying with the guys so I have asked them and am just waiting to hear back from them. FINGERS crossed!!

Transfer dates!!!!!

Well I finally heard from the clinic last week and I now have a estimated transfer date of July 3-5th!! I am so excited but at the same time a little disappointed because K may not be able to go with me, so I most likely will be traveling by myself....I am sure that the guys will be very nice and accommodating but I just wanted a travel buddy..

CONTRACTS are signed and done!!! I mailed them out on Tuesday to M&M and their lawyer. I am so happy and excited that it is done and we are now moving on to transfer time!!! I am still holding out immense hope that our transfer will be in June! I spoke with Marisa this week and she is working on contracts right now!! She actually let me look at the contract! I know we have become pretty close friends over these past few months but I think that just solidified it.. They are planning on a July transfer and I just think it would so COOL if I and she ( her GC) were preggo at the same time!!!

Well as for my teeth i go to the dentist on the 20th to get my tooth pulled AND some more cavaties filled!

Well this has been a crazy week!! It started out very normal except for my tooth so I HAD to get an appointment and went to the dentist on Wednesday and now the tooth that I tried to save 2 yrs. ago needs to be taken out because of the dentist that did all the work on it, turns out he perforated my root and now I have an infection in my BONE. The new dentist wants to charge me 2200 for everything including pulling my tooth, sedation and filling 5 cavities.. I know 5 cavities is ridiculous but whatever. Kaleva was needless to say PISSED that after we spent 1700 last time for my teeth and this is with insurance..LOL So he wanted me to call the other dentist and tell him what is happening and see if he is willing to cover some of these costs... GOOD news is he is willing to cover some of the costs but I will not find out exactly how much until I go in on Monday to see him and get more x-rays taken.. It is feeling much better since I have started the antibiotics but I still have some pain. OK now on to Taylor's speech appointment which went very well and then I had the insurance guy come today so I can get that ball on the road. i am very happy to say I HAVE THE FINAL contract in my hands!! All we have to do is sign and send it back to the lawyers!!! So happy! I emailed Tiffany from the clinic again to get some more details since I cannot walk around not knowing anything..LOL I just HAVE to know when I will start meds, what kind of protocol the RE wants me on ect.... I am just so excited I can hardly wait to start poking myself with needles.. CRAZY right?? Well that is actually part of the JOY of being a surrogate mother!! LOL

I just wanted to add that I have a tooth ache from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just hoping there is nothing seriously wrong cause it is my tooth that has a crown on it...........I HATE the dentist and am VERY fearful. I know if I have to go I will have to pay for IV sedation which is expensive..... Plus Tiffany from the clinic emailed me and told me that the donor is STILL a few weeks from finishing her screening..UGH.. I figured since they are providing the guys with the donor they did her screening already.. Oh well just more waiting but if this is true then maybe it will be a late June early July transfer which means an April baby(ies) ?? not too sure on the calculations but either way *IF* this transfer takes first go around then no summer pregnancy for me!! I certainly hope the first time is a charm not only for the guys but for my family as well cause no one likes a grumpy preggo!! LOL

OK so it has been rough with all the waiting and the contract negotiations. Don't get me wrong it was never anything like deal breaker type of negotiations just little things like the escrow.. I HATE the fact that it is with someone who is NOT bonded that irks me a little but not for me but for M&M I just think they should be a protected as I would be.. BUT we are going to put language into the contract about that so at least I am protected, seems kinda one way street' ish to me but whatever they wanted to keep it whee it was so who am I to tell them no.. So their clinic called me today and I spoke with a gal named Tiffany, too funny, and she just asked basic questions and I gave her all the info for the monitoring clinic I am going to use so we are on the right track. She said she needed to speak with the RE to see what out next steps are!! I am very excited to get this baby making show on the road!!!

about M

OK so Marisa has decided to move on to another surrogate and has found her which is GREAT!! I can admit I am a little jealous but it is good for her. She met her and I hope all went well I am still waiting on an update from her visit and about the screening so I will update more after.. She of course of still struggling about David and his death she is now in the angry phase of grieving and I am sad for her but at the same time am glad because she is on the long road to healing. The angry phase is a VERY hard phase to move on from, I dealt with it for a LONG time with my grandmother's passing so I can only imagine the immense anger and pain with Marisa and losing her son...

Ok another update!!! I have been SO LAZY about posting, but I guess that is the life of a mom with 4 girls and 2 of which are 2.5 year old twins!!!

So I had my MMPI-2 done and turns out I am not crazy!!! I think it is the dumbest test ever but whatever. So they guys came and we went to dinner and it was just GREAT!! I am so STUPID for not remembering my camera to take pictures but I was in such a hurry to leave the house and put the twins to bed before I left Kayle and Lani with my dad. We met the guys at Jax fish house and I have been wanting to try this place for a long time!! So we met them and right away they noticed me!! They were already there cause we were late..go figure right?? LOL So we were at dinner for like 2 1/2 hrs. and it was just great!! They are very talkative and so FUNNY!! We hit it off really well, so I am so happy about that cause I was really nervous about that. Well the next day the guys came over and brought all the girls Easter baskets..it was so sweet of them to do that! They gave me the most delicious cinnamon creme cake EVER!!! The guys did not stay very long but the time they spent was good. They played and interacted with the girls very well. They will be GREAT daddies one day! Hopefully I will be able to bring that dream to fruition for them. So the guys have picked out a donor and are just waiting for her testing to be complete and hopefully everything turns out OK!! Now onto the contracts!! I received the initial copy with my lawyers notes and am going to be talking with her about my changes on Tuesday of next week so here's to hoping in the next week or so they will be complete and just need signatures!! Everything is going pretty well so far!!

Well so far so good things are running smoothly!! The guys have a potential donor, they are just waiting for some questions to be answered by her. I hope she works out for them!! I get to call next week and schedule my MMPI and psych eval for Kaleva and I. they guys are coming to meet us and I am getting very excited. They will be here on Friday! Sarah is helping me get some things together for them. We will all go to dinner on Friday to Jax Fish house, which is a place that I have been wanting to to ever since I watched Top Chef and the winner was actually the executive chef for the Jax in Boulder. My dad is going to watch the kids!! He has never done this before so it should be interesting.

Marisa is doing a little better. She is just trying to move forward. I just wish there were more I could do for her.

Another update.

Well as for me I have been approved by the guys clinic so that is another hurdle jumped!!! I hope the guys are on their way to picking a donor!! No a big long update but at least it is something right?? lol

OK, I am just so wondering why horrible things happen to great people. I am a christian so I know I should not question God's reasons but I cannot help it. The WORST thing happened to my FIM Marisa. She lost her sweet baby boy at 20 weeks. She is such a strong person and the way she is handling this devastating situation is remarkable. I can only hope and wish to have half the strength that she has. I truly wish I could be there for her more. She is actually in the process of looking at more GS profiles. I think it will be good for her to move on but at the same time I am worried that she may not give herself true time to grieve. All I can do is pray that her mind, body, and soul completely heal from this.

Ok so an update is in order!!!
The guys had their appointment and it went GREAT!! We have a clinic in DC!! They will have their appointment on Friday this week. I am so excited for them. They are finially feeling like things are in motion. I should have my psych evaluation soon so I am VERY excited to get all my testing finished and then I we will be moving on to the guys picking their donor... This is very exciting.. I feel like everything is actually moving along. I know they say this is the hurry up and wait part of surrogacy and that is just fine with me!! I figure if we have a transfer by June then that will be a spring baby/ies!! I will TOTALLY be out of the summer months!! WOOHOO cause it SUCKS ato be pregnant in the summer!!


Can't Wait!!

Well the guys have their appointment tomorrow!!! I am so excited for them, they are finally starting to feel like this journey is begening!! Can't wait to hear how it went.

Today I do not feel very well, not sure what is going on. I am VERY sleepy and my body is tired. I think I am starting to get sick AND my allergies are effecting me...lol boy what fun is in store for me???

So today I woke up feeling great except my allergies are going CRAZY!! I told the guys and Marisa that I have a blog everyone seemed to like it..I am glad they like it..

I have to go look for an Easter dress for Lani, I have already got the twins theirs and I LOVE them!! Kaleva does not like them very much but oh well....lol I also have to find a dresser and a book shelf for the girls room...We will see how long that takes me, I am very picky and frugal....
The guys have their appoinment this week so that is VERY exciting!!! I hope it goes well..

My Girls

OK so it is Saturday and I took a very long bath last night, so needless to say I was very realized when I went to bed..I woke up this morning and I was still sleepy.. Moriah was crying her head off and it was barely 7 in the morning. What a way to wake up huh?? Life as a mom isn't it great??lol. So this morning went off with out any real issues the girls were fairly well behaved and just played with the dog and we danced and sang for a while then it was nap time.. precious nap time.. I know my life is boring but it is mine and I would not change very much at all!! OH yeah I still have not told anyone except for Sarah that I was even doing a blog. I am going to tell M and the guys we shall see what everyone thinks! Hope they like it.
And I found out that M and D are having a baby BOY!!! I am so happy for her that everything is going so well!!

Over the rainbow

So far

Well now it is Feburary and I have had my repeat pap come back all clear!! I have been searching for more IP's the whole time with the wonderful help of my agency. Well I found out around the 3rd week this month that there were potential IP's (PIP's). I have been so excited. M&M which are IF's were just signing with my agency and Dana told me about them right away! Well they signed their contract and it was next to exchanging profiles. I got there profile on the 19th and I really became excited. It is a different feeling to know you are THE ONLY way for IF's to have their own biological child, cause with IM's (intended mothers) they are still women but they have various issues with having their own baby so it is more of a touchy subject with the whole infertility for them. I think it is a little more relaxed to begin with. Ok so The guys have their appointment with a clinic on the 13th this month so things are moving along. The next step is for them to be reffered to an IVF clinic in their home city..

I have actually found it a little difficult to connect with them. I know it is early and everyone Ihave spoken to keeps telling me that they are guys and it just take a while for them to open up. I am social in face to face interactions, but it is new to me to try to get to know people via email. I could prbably call them but I do not want to be a bother... I know they would not see it that way but that is how I feel.. I am sure as soon as our journey really starts then it will come naturally.

Journey up to Feb.

OK, I have not been on in a LONG time.. I have decided to become a surrogate mother. I was really struggling with my own loss of my fertility (when I got my tubes tied). And then one evening while I was on the Internet it came to me to be a surrogate mother, also known as a GS, or GC. I did LOADS of research into this whole new world and process and found some really heartbreaking stories of people who could not have their own children, or have suffered MANY miscarriages. I decided to sign up on some surro ( surrogate) boards and forums so I could really get an understanding of what is will be like to be a surro and all it entails. I finally decided to go forward and I signed with an agency they are called Surrogacy Options. I LOVE them they are so sweet and very involved and knowledgeable. I signed with them back in September.

OK so it is September.. Well I got a look at my first couple and their profile. They looked great, they already had a son via surrogacy so they were experienced. I told Dana (at the agency) that I wanted to move forward with a conference call. Well she told me the the couple did not want to work with me because I want to do a VBAC birth..( Vaginal after a Cesarean section) So I was like OK that just means we keep moving forward. I can't say that I was not disappointed because I was a little.. They looked like such a nice family. Now is it October. Dana felt bad for me because of the way I was feeling so she did something she usually does not do. She sent the next couple my profile first without telling me and without sending me theirs. Well They LOVED me and wanted to have a call. She called and I will remember this probably forever. I was sitting outside of Kayle's school ( my 10 yr. old daughter)waiting for her to get out when my cell rings. She tells me Tiffiny I have another couple and they are super excited to work with you!! I was like they have already seen my profile?? she told me yes and explained to me what she did different. Well I saw their profile and they were just too cute.. Doug and Marisa. Just too cute for words but their story was a LONG and Very painful one. Marisa had been through 3 IUI's and 7 IVF's. Never even 1 positive... And she was only 32 at the time that we met. My heart fell for them. Well 2 days later we had our call. It went GREAT!!!! We talked for so long like 2 hrs and it was so nice. We had a lot in common, personality wise, and our hubby's were very similar as well. I also found out they they wanted to do a dual transfer..Let me explain this. A dual transfer is when the IM and the surrogate both have a transfer of the IM's eggs or Donor eggs implanted into the uterus. Well she said she was going to be using a Donor because she just knew it was her eggs and not her uterus. What we would do is have the donor eggs 2 put into her and then 1 of her eggs and 1 donor egg put into me. So we are MATCHED!!! Now on to testing..



Ok now I have to get all my screening done. This is a bunch of blood work and a PAP. I had all my blood drawn and my PAP done. While I was waiting for the results, I got a call from my OB telling me my PAP came back abnormal.. Well all that ran through my mind at first was I was going to die.. Yes a little over dramatic but that is what I thought. Well I scheduled the colposcopy and that was THE WORST!!!!!!!!!! I then waited for those results. Meanwhile Dana, Jaime and Marisa were all routing for me and hoping that it would come back clear. Well it didn't....... I then had my LEEP done on Halloween of all days. During all of my procedures Marisa was getting ready for her transfer. She decided to go ahead with it and I TOTALLY agreed. I felt like her that is was her eggs and not her uterus. Her first donor FLAKED out but she got another one within days...unheard of BTW.... While I was waiting to hear form the Dr. or the lab about my results Marisa was getting ready to cycle and I was way too excited for her to even think about me, and that was a GREAT thing.. OK fast forward to my results they came back and were a OK!! THANK GOD!!!

Ok now it Marisa is cycling! It is November and her transfer is scheduled for the 22-25th it all depends on the embies quality and if they look like they will make it to blast.. Blast stage is when the embryos are 5 days after they have been fertilized and are on the verge of hatching. She got 9 eggs from her donor ( think, either 8 or 9) Well all were fertilized!! She said that was the best ever!! Then all of them made it to blast!! VERY GOOD NEWS. The point of letting the embryos make it to blast is to weed out the weak ones, or the ones that have more potential not to make it. So she transferred 2 great looking blasts and she got PREGNANT!!! She is now 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant!! She has announced to all her friends and family!! I am so COMPLETELY happy for her and Doug.