Today has been REALLY hard. I have cried all day so far. Not so much around the girls but I am sure they can see my eyes are swollen and red. It will be a week today at 8:29 pm that I brought Caroline into this world. But it is also the same day that my FIM lost DIJ at 20weeks gestation. Today just really sucks. The guys have no clue how hard this actually is and nor do I want them to know. I am joyful to be the one to make them daddies, to make their dream come true. But these damn hormones SUCK!! After carrying her inside me for 9 months and to have an empty belly and arms is just beyond words hard. I never thought it would be this way. It is not that I want her, cause if you know me at all I DON"T I am content and busy all day with my own girls, it is just having nothing to show for my pregnancy and journey is f-ing hard. There are so many pictures for me to look and and smile but then I start to cry again.. ugh I HATE to cry. I cannot wait till my freaking hormones are back in stride with me instead of fighting against me. I know without a shoadow of a doubt that this will be soon to end and I cannot wait for that day, the day that I get a picture of Caroline and not want to cry, where I will light up with joy and pride. I just pray that these days of crying pass quickly and become distant memories.

The anniversary of DIJ's passing is today. My FIM has been on a steady path of depression for the last month or so, she knowing it was coming and it just became a deep hole to surround herself in and now that the day is here all I can do is pray that she is and will be OK. She has her family, but this is something that only SHE can face and handle. I pray she can handle it and makes her way out of this hole soon. We are all waiting on the other side for her to reach her hand out, so we can lift her up.. (((HUGS))) M.. Love you..

Today...

Today has been rough. I have been purposely keeping myself moving, not sitting still for long cause when I do she is all I can think of. My floors are being done so I have a really good excuse not to be home. I have been so incredibly patient with the girls lately it has even shocked me. Caroline's birth did something for me. I am a yeller, I yell for any and everything. I know it is not good to yell at the girls but it is such a hard habit to break and I did not yell at them once today. I am glad that whatever it is has happened. I have worked so hard over the years to not yell. So Miss C. is home with her daddies, has met her puppy Duke, been in her bassinet. She is home. It warms my heart so much to think of her at home where she has been talked about, dreamt about, prayed about. I cannot wait for more photos, I find myself checking my email all the time for updates even if it is just one sentance. I know that these first few weeks are going to be the hardest and I am OK with that. I have found some very caring women who have reached out to me, who understand what I am going through and am blessed to have them. I know for some who read this ( if anyone..LOL) may not understand what I am feeling and may get scared with how I feel about Caroline but please do not misunderstand my love for her as me wanting to keep her, cause again she was NEVER mine to keep to begin with. Of course I am going to feel attached to a child that I had growing, moving inside me. A child that I literally went through 9 hrs. of painful labor for, with no meds except for pitocin. I NEVER did that for my own children so her birth is EXTREMELY special for me, for my IF's. They got to see what it took for their princess to be born, they saw her with their own eyes, saw my pain, were thankful beyond works for it, for me. Not to say that my hubby was not thankful for me but he has never seen me in the state that M&M did, me moaning, rocking, screaming in pain to birth a baby. He was not there for her birth so he can only go by what he hears. I know M&M are thankful for what I went through ( willingly) for Caroline to be here. So her birth was very different and will never be forgotten by those who truly love and care for her, which means so very much for me. OK I am rambling again. But to say the least I just wish I could stay in bed and sleep, but I guess getting out with my girls is a great alternative too!

How hard....

I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye. I am so full of different emotions it is crazy. I know my guys are and will be great dads but at the same time she will be soooo far away. I did not think I bonded with Miss Caroline while she was in my womb but as soon as I gave birth I felt the connection. It is not a like a mother lion, more like a mother hen. She is sooo precious. I am ecstatic that I have helped M&M start their family. It is just hard to face the unknown, yes they day they will keep me updated and involved but there is no guarantee and I cannot expect anything because I am the one who has agreed to that unknown future. I do not by any means regret or am thinking twice about giving Caroline to her dads, considering that, that is WHERE SHE BELONGS. My thinking is that I can't give her to her dads because she was never mine to give, if that makes sense. She has ALWAYS been their daughter. I was just the women who helped them get her here. I know I sound like I am rambling but I am 4 days post delivery and my mind is so clouded and foggy that I can barely focus my thoughts. I am having a rougher time because I do not have a baby to distract me from my thoughts. I am pretty much alone in my thoughts, yes I share my feelings and thoughts with my hubby but he is a VERY logical thinker so it is hard for him to understand how I am feeling.

So today was my goodbye with Miss Caroline and it was very nice to have my girls there so I could be distracted from crying. I do not want them to see me cry so they are not confused because this is such a wonderful and joyful time. When we arrived at the hotel she was sleeping, so peaceful and calm. She was simply divine. I had the girls sanitize their hands, even though they would not really be touching her, LOL, mother hen thing coming into play again. I went straight to the crib and asked if i could hold her, of course they said yes and i picked her up. It was such a wonderful thing to be able to hold her and introduce her to my girls. All I could do was look at her, smell her. A crazy thing happened that I NEVER expected. I felt my milk leak while holding her, I know the feeling well from my own girls and was shocked that it happened with her. My milk did not come in till I got home from the hotel so I was not prepared for that. It was nice to know the my body knew her, my emotions obviously know her but never did I expect my body to respond. I know that she knows me because every since she has arrived she has responded to voice when I talk. When I was still in the hospital with her and the guys went to dinner with their parents and I got some alone time with her she knew me, she was a little fussy and I decided to try and out her on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat ( it has always helped with my girls) to calm her and it worked!! It amazed me, she is such a calm and quiet baby. I am so in love with the fact that M&M are daddies, I loved being able to watch them with her, watch them experience their firsts with her. I have been able to be a fly on the wall and just watch and listen and take it all in and for that I will FOREVER be grateful, regardless of what the future holds with M&M and miss C. with me.

I am glad that I have somewhere to write down my thoughts, it has helped to get them down and to know that I can come back and read them as well. I will continue to write as the days pass. I am prayerful that things get easier, things are not hard but I do not want them to get that way either.

Caroline's birth

We arrived as scheduled on Wednesday March 17th for our C-section. Kaleva and I met the M&M in the lobby. They looked like dear caught in the headlights, they were ready to be dads but a bit overwhelmed that it was today! So we go up to L&D and I am put into my gown and on the monitors. I felt good that morning. No contractions or anything. So our nurse we had was named Tiffany Day and she was such a doll, just a great help and very sincerely sweet! So she put my IV in and it only took her 1 try!! So that shows how great she is cause it usually ALWAYS takes them more than one shot with my rolley veins. So at about 10am about an hr. after being there in on the monitors I noticed that the irritable uterus contractions that were on the screen became a tad more regular, about 2-3 min apart and they were grabbing my attention. I mentioned this to the nurse and she said that she would check me. Well according to her I was 2-3 and about 70% effaced so a bit more than my appointment last week with Dr.B. so she reminded me that just because I came in for a c-section I could always do a VBAC and at least try and let the baby see what she will do, she had flipped head down again so we were ready to go if I decided that I wanted to give it a few hrs. So she got Dr. B and he was also on board, said that he could break my water and see if that would bring on stronger contractions. He too reminded me that THIS was our original plan, to VBAC. I was a bit worried that the guys just wanted Caroline here and they kept telling me that I was in the drivers seat and they would be happy and fine with whatever I chose. I am not sure why but I just felt like I needed to giver her a chance to be born the way she should be. So a VBAC it was.

Dr. B broke my bag of waters around 11:30am and pretty much immediately I felt the contractions. I was transferred to a birthing room, since I was just in a prep room. And was put back on the monitors. I could definitely feel that the contractions were getting stronger, I did not realize that laying in a bed and laboring is HORRIBLE until then. Sarah came and was like lets get out of bed and walk, and it felt soo good to walk, I was still having them but they were not painful. So I had a new nurse named Jessie ( who was supposed to be my original nurse but she was busy which is why Tiffany too over, plus she, Tiffany, is the charge nurse) who came in and at first she was sweet but a little pushy, she wanted to check me almost every hr. I had to get the guts up to tell her no more checking me for a while. She agreed but acted like she did not want to. So I got to walk and sit on the birthing ball for a about 2.5 hrs before they stuck me on pitocin, it was my request NOT to have it unless necessary but they found it necessary. The contractions were consistent at 2-3 min. apart but not very strong and had not changed my cervix at all. So they started me on a dose of 2 milli, per min. This was around 3:30 and she said she would keep turning it up every 30min-1hr. Well I could feel that the contractions were getting stronger but no big deal so I went to walk, this whole time Sarah was great she and I were just talking and laughing and making jokes. So I knew they were still not strong enough. Well here came the nurse to turn it up to 4, 4 was still bearable and alright but a bit more painful.

So around 4pm I found myself having to close my eyes and focus a bit more, I was feeling more pressure so I knew the pitocin was working. I decided to get checked again. WELL Jessie needless to say preformed the MOST painful exam I have ever had, she said she could feel the scar from where I had my LEEP done and that she wanted to really try and stretch through the scare tissue because she thought that was why I had not dilated. She was so rough and I know I have a high cervix but damn, after all that I was still a “ stretchy 3” so she freaking turns it up to a 6 after she leaves, does not ask or say anything just does it. Which was SOOOOO annoying. Like I did not have choice. Ugh. So on to more contractions, only these ones were some really good ones, they were making me have to sway and focus on other things. I was happy that I was doing it this way but man I just knew it was going to get a LOT worse.

So we were predicting times but everyone thought it would be MUCH later that I would have her. The nurses kept telling me that after my cervix got past the scar tissue from my LEEP then I would be JUST fine and things would progress quicker. It would just be a matter of time. So I continued to contract and around 6 pm they wanted to turn it up to 8 but I bluntly told the nurse NO cause these contractions I was having at a 6 milli were good strong contractions. She ( Jessie) was NOT happy with me saying no and blamed it on Dr. B wanting to turn up the pit. Well I was not having it, so Tiffany (Charge nurse) came in and was so sweet in the way that she explained to me WHY they wanted to turn the pit up. It made sense why and the baby was just fine, she was actually having accelerations when I was contracting so she was a happy camper and as long as she was happy they would keep the pit up. So up the pit went to an 8 and THAT is when things started to get hairy and PAINFUL. I had to actually close my eyes and focus on something else entirely. It was rough but doable. I thought my pain level was on a 7-8 with these contractions. So around 7 pm things were getting hairy and I had to start labor dancing with Sarah, moaning, swaying to get through the contractions and Sarah just kept making sure I was focused and staying strong. She also explained what would be happening to the guys, with me, when I get to transition, how I would be acting, the birth and how things “could” happen. The guys were very happy that she explained these things to them. So around 7:30-7:45 I needed to be checked at my request cause it was just a LOT of pressure, so they checked me and I was 5-6!! So I knew things were progressing but man these contractions were as well. This was around the time that I started to tell Sarah that I could not do this and the new shift nurse ( Margret) was soooo annoying she kept asking me what I wanted to do and if I wanted an epidural and petting me like I was a dog I finally had to tell her to stop touching me. It was crazy I think she really wanted me to say that I wanted an epidural. Well a few minutes later I was begging for one and that nurse jumped up so fast to get the anesthesiologist it was crazy and Sarah kept telling me that I could do this without it and just a bit longer, well it happened so fast that at 8pm I was 8cm and was in FULL transition and it was ROUGH to say the least. It was beyond painful, I know that I was loud as hell too. LOL So the anesthesiologist came in and was asking me questions and I answered them before he was even done asking me the question, it was sort of annoying. Well Sarah just kept me soooooo focused that I did not want to get off of the floor for him to even do the epidural. The nurses decided to call Dr. B, but because I was moving so quickly that they had to call the OB that was there in the building, and at the last minute Dr. B made it and it was time to push. So @ 8:19 I started to push and by 8:29 pm Miss Caroline was born!! She is sooo beautiful! No swelling at all, her head is perfect! She is small after all!! Only 6.9 lbs it is funny that they are ALWAYS wrong about the size of the babies that I have had and she proved to be the same, she is 19inches long.. She is soooo beautiful! I got to see the guys face right after she was born and it is something I will never forget! I still cannot believe that I had a pitocin, epidural free birth. I can’t say I will EVER do that again but I can say that it was worth ALL the pain!

St. Patricks day baby!!

Well I have a c-section scheduled for Wednesday the 17th for 11:30 am. I am excited, anxious, nervous, scared all at the same time. I am so happy for the guys. I know they are beyond excited, as well is there family. It is weird to know what day and time I will have Caroline, I never knew with my girls, I just went into labor and that was that. It is REALLY going to suck when I get home from the hospital, I will have ZERO help. I am really glad that I can stay for 5 days in the hospital. I will only have K. with me for one freaking day and that is Wednesday. I know I am going to have some emotional issues about that. WTF?? I will be in the hospital by myself, and then at home with 4 kids BY MYSELF... I am just so irritated about that it is crazy I can't even be happy when I should be damn near euphoric about the pending delivery. PLUS on top of that I have offered to pump which I don't regret but I am going to be sooooo tired. Oh and even more wonderful things is K has decided to get the floor in the Kitchen/bathrooms done too.. Ugh I am going to explode. These next few weeks will be really hard on me..