Time for an update....

I guess it is pointless at this point to even update my blog, never mind to even have one. No one reads it, I did not really expect a whole lot of traffic but dang I did expect a little more..LOL Well I am 15 weeks this week and so far so good. I am still VERY cautious with my thinking and me relaxing. I have seen things go so horribly wrong. I think I will be really relaxed when I reach the 28 week mark. I have been feeling this bean move more and more. It is not very often but at least I feel the movement and that makes me feel so much more at ease.

I am so unsure of what to do or how to help. My little sister had one of the MOST violating things happen to her today by some piece of shit human being. I cannot believe this has happened to her. She is such a smart free spirited girl and I am almost sure she will never be the same again. I just want to rescue her and I know that this is not possible. I have watched this girl since she was born, watched her crawl, walk, talk. I have seen her get into trouble, have seen her triumphant. Now I have to see her broken. I am so sad I just want to cry and ask why? Why do men not understand that no is no? Why do men feel that they can just take things? I hate men right now, I am so beyond upset it is crazy. I have not gotten out of bed at all except to feed the girls and put them down for their daily nap. What do I do? What do I tell her? How can I comfort her? I just want to erase this day from her memory, take this day away. I want to castrate that piece of shit. Please dear Lord take this pain from my sister, heal her, comfort her, make her stronger.

Well the NT scan went well!! the baby's score was 1.0 which is VERY low so all is well, just waiting for the blood work but given that the score is so low I am thinking very positively that the blood work will show the same. The guys flew out for this appointment as well and they were very excited to see their little bean on the screen! They were amazed by how much movement was going on. The u/s took a little longer that normal cause the bean was not cooperating very well with it's position. It was funny cause the u/s tech would jiggle the wand on my belly and you could see the baby jump with the movement, finally I laid on my side for a few minutes and the when we tried to look again the baby was in the PERFECT position! They only got the one great shot of the baby, it was too funny cause every time they would try to see the position the baby would move into some crazy position. After the appointment we went to see Dr. B. He was so great!! The guys LOVED all the dr.'s and nurses and said we are in a great hospital! I am very relieved that they are happy and like the Dr.!! So we are soon to be in the 2nd trimester and things are getting better I have been in a better mood and have had a bit more energy! I am VERY happy about this cause my house is suffering greatly..LOL I try to keep it up but dang it is so hard with 4 kids and a hubby! K has been a HUGE help though he has cooked dinner a couple times and cleans up all the time for me. Man am I blessed to be married to him♥♥♥♥

So very soon I wll be able to make a trip to Massachusetts to see my family that I have not seen in about 15 yrs. I have seen my Grandmother several times but that is because she has flown out here. Since I have been married I have not really had the opportunity to go out there cause the air fare for all of us is crazy never mind the fact that flying with 4 kids is boarding insanity. Plus K is now ready to take care of all the girls by himself..LOL He will be taking them to school too, he even has to do their hair, kind of a scary though LOL. So on the 23rd this month I will be flying out! I am getting VERY excited.. My older sister was supposed to go but she is really stupid. I say this cause she allowed her ex boyfriend to purchase her ticket and told her DH that our parents boutht it for her. All I can say is WOW what the Fuck was she thinking??? Her DH is such a nice guy, granted he has is issues but she is so far from right in this whole situation it is crazy. I was really disappointed that she did that. K and I have ALWAYS had the same attitude toward cheating, if you can't do it around me then it is cheating, and if you don't want to be with each other then LEAVE do not stay for the kids cause that is a cop out. I would NEVER cheat on K, never mind because I am in love with him but because of my feelings towards it, it is just cowardly on so many levels, if you are not happy then freaking leave...UGH

In need of an update I guess... I am now 11 weeks 3 days. So far so good. I stopped all my meds at 10 weeks 5 days. It was a few days after the RE wanted me to stop but it was when I was comfy doing so. I read that the placenta starts to take over at the 10 week mark so I just gave it a few more days. I have been feeling a TON better since stopping the meds. The first few days were rought I actually had hot flashes..LOL Nothing new other than that. The guys will fly in on Wednesday night for the NT scan and I am just praying that the baby is healthy. I would HATE to even think about terminating. So I have been praying hard that this baby is perfectly healthy!

I guess I should update..

Well I had my OB appointment on the 20th and everything is looking good. Baby N is growing right on target. I am very happy. I have been pretty nervous about this pg. Since I have been in the world of IF ( infertility) I am not so oblivious to what could possibly go wrong. It seems surreal. I know I am pg but I can't be fully happy about that for a while yet. I will be happy when I can feel baby N moving around on a regular basis cause then I will at least know that the baby is thriving. On another note this pg has been VERY rough on me and my family. I have not cooked on a regular basis since about mid July. K has been just so helpful, even though he is not emotionally attached to this pg ( not like I expect him to be) he has been a HUGE help, he has given the girls baths, cooked dinner ( or at least bought it..LOL) and has cleaned up a TON.. I am truly blessed he is such a wonderful hubby. My IF's on the other hand have not been very communicative. I know it is a possibility that they will read this and that is fine, I am NOT going to mix my words. I went from having the MOST supportive IM EVER to 2 guys who work so freaking much they can't check in on me more than once a week. I accept that but man is kinda sucks.. At least I have 6 more months to mentally prepare myself for how it will be after. I know not all IP's want a close relationship and I am not really asking for that either but I would like to become friends.. But it is what it is..

I will ALWAYS remember

Today is a VERY hard and sad day for my FIM M.. Today was her due sate for her precious D.I.J, who was born sleeping on March 24, 2009. I remember back in November of 2008 when She was just so sure her ED cycle would not work and that we could transfer when my body had healed from me LEEP. I was over the moon ecstatic when in December her first beta came back and she was preggo.. I was so excited for her it was crazy. It was amazing to me that I was so happy for this women who I had only known for 2 1/2 months. This women who I had become so close to in such a short time ws going to experience her ultimate dream of being a mom, not through someone else but SHE herself was pregnant, she herself could feel her baby move inside her, she did not need to rely on anyone else to tell her what it was like. She had some scares along the way and of course she was worried. But then when she had finally put her guard down, devastation. David had passed away in utero. His cord was double the length and restricted his blood flow/nutrients/oxygen. I remember the devastating text I had received from her it was short and to the point. All I could do was cry for her, literally that is what I did, I cried like a baby. I could not believe my eyes. All I could think about was how was she going to handle this?? How do you come back from something like this? What could I do? I thought about flying to NY when she got home to take care of her, I knew she would not want me to, but I still thought about it. I had just matched again with the guys and I really considered telling them that I could not move forward with them, cause I wanted to be there for M whenever she was ready to move forward. I knew she would want to but I did not know how long it would be, but I was willing to wait. Well after a long talk with my DH and agency we felt it would not be right for me to just drop them. I told M that I would do whatever she wanted and in turn she felt the same way the others did. I was amazed by he strength, courage. She wanted to move forward right away. Even though she was still reeling from her loss, her mind was still on her goal. To be a mom. She has shown me so much these past 8 months. I am indebted to her forever. She makes me want to be a better mom. I know that whenever she is blessed with a baby she is going to be the best damn mother on earth. After all she has been through, I know that baby will be truly blessed to have her as their mother.. M if you read this please know that I truly have felt your pain and joy these past 8 months and will continue to be there for you in any and every way I can possible be..The girls will always know you as Auntie M!!! I Love you

I don't have much of an update and I have not been very up to doing one either. I have been very nauseous and heartburn has also started as well. Yesterday I could not eat, think about eating or even look at food without feeling sick and the heartburn never went away. This morning is a tad better but I have not had much to eat. I am going to really be counting down the weeks till I am in the 2nd trimester, hoping I get some relief. I have been feeling a bit down for several reasons. The first is that M my FIM has been having such a horrible time with everything in her life and now she has pretty much shut me out which makes me sad but I have to be understanding. Second is the guys are still guys and the communication thing is still lacking.. It is not like I want them to email me everyday but dang at least more than once a week, but whatever. I have resigned myself to know this is how the journey will go and I have to be OK with it. I told myself that I will just keep doing what I am doing so that way I know I did what I knew was right. I just feel very alone in this whole process. K is very supportive but because this is not "his" baby he is not very understanding about how I am feeling, that REALLY sucks. I know I am and overemotional wreck and never mind the fact that I can't freaking eat without feeling like crap. am the type that LOVES food and I can't even think about enjoying it while I am pregnant feels like a slap in the face. I am looing forward to next week cause it will be busy. The girls go back to school, Lani will be going to K this year and she is beyond excited.. The twins will be going to pre-school to that is good too.