Final Journey Begins!!

Well the time has come to share where I am in my final journey...
 I am matched to a wonderful gay couple M&M, yes I know they have the same initials as my guys ( I will forever call them my guys, well because they are) which in my opinion I take as a good sign! They are funny, down to earth and just all around great people. I got to meet them at my screening appointment which was great! They live far from me as well which stinks but it is what it is.

So we matched back in January and met in March for the first time. I was so incredibly nervous about out meeting and also the meeting with the RE. Given my history after the premature birth of my surrotwins I was not as optimistic as I was with my other journeys. Turned out I had nothing to worry about, after a long talk with the RE and what my expectations are as well as the guys we were all on the same page! He did do an exam to look in my uterus to see if I had any polyps or cysts and nope nothing at all. He was amazed that he could not see any scar tissue at all considering I have had 2 c-sections  . He also tried to break down the statistics that out of all 7 babies I have delivered that they are all girls. This RE was a very laid back one, and I like that about him, but the most important thing is for him to get me pregnant!

Everything is all set and we are ready to go. Contracts are signed, escrow is set up, testing is done and now we are officially cycling!!!! I start Lupron on the 20th and I will be a nervous wreck until May 29th and we have the fertilization report and we know that there will be embryos to transfer, then I will be a HUGE ball of anxiety and nerves till transfer day and then...OK let me stop getting ahead of myself. First things first start Lupron and hopefully, God willing my uterus cooperates and grows a nice fluffy lining.

 

Assumptions....

SO why do people assume? We all do it, we try not to but it is just something that happens. It is what happens AFTER is what is important, if you take that assumption and run with it so to say. Being on the other end of an assumption really sucks, not only can it be hurtful but damaging as well. I guess I should explain. So my last post ended off with trying to be approved for another final journey, to help a women that I thought was amazing. I don't think she is any less amazing, nor do I think anything different of her. Well it turned out that her RE was unwilling to move forward with me as her surro and I knew this was a very possible situation and was prepared for it. IT no less sucked after hearing this news in July, it sucked more for her though. All I could think about was her and how she felt, and what she was going to do next. If I could help her find another surro that she would be comfortable with that could help her. She and I had a good relationship that was growing into a friendship, she is a very busy lady but always made time to chit chat or answer questions. So after our answer from the RE I wanted to give her some time to clear her mind and feelings, so I did not really contact her, I would comment on her FB page or like a picture so she knew I was still there.

 At the time in July there were things going on in my life that were stressful and hectic and the week of the July theater shootings I decided to deactivate my FB account, why? So I could be removed from everything that was a distraction to my life, so I could put all effort and energy into my life and things that were going on. Well the shooting happened and she (my possible IM) knew I lived in the vicinity of what happened and apparently she tried to contact me via FB, but I was gone. Come to find out months later after she had not responded to several messages, or posted on my wall ( after I reactivated at the end of August) I looked at her blog and what did I see? A post about me and how I cut her out of my life and that all she was to me were possible $$ signs....SERIOUSLY?? She did not try to contact me via text message, and YES she had my number, or email and again YES she has that too. She just spewed vial words of disgust about me on her blog.

 Then Aurora happens and I immediately look to see if she is OK (on FB – she lives in that vicinity) and she is gone. Poof. She blocked me. She erased me from her life. My husband was very relieved that we didn’t proceed further with someone who clearly didn’t see us as anything more than dollar signs…I took it a bit harder.. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. The idea of someone carrying a child for me wasn’t easy. I had pangs and yearnings and questions but I made peace with it because of her. I also felt a connection to her and knew she would care for my children (if they do turn into children but with a normal CGH embryo made a few years ago, you have a good chance in the right womb). The person that I almost let carry my children blocked me on facebook. Just.Like.THAT. If that isn’t a kick in the pants, I don’t know what is. All I can say is I hope she isn’t following me. Fool me once and I get the picture. I’ve now learned that life is not only about choices but also how you react to the choices of others. I just keep on thinking…what if she had my children living inside of her and blocked me. What if, what if, what if. Maybe I have a guardian angel. I don’t know.

I am in awe of this post, because I needed time away from FB she ASSumes that I am just a careless, money grubbing piece of dirt. So I tried messaging her, again, and no response so I CALLED her on both numbers I had, emailed her and do you think I got a response? No, and crazy still we are still FB friends, you would think if I blocked her or unfriended her we would not still be FB friends but we are, you know why?? Because I NEVER did what she ASSumed I did. I cannot believe that she would go as far as not to return my calls, text message, email or FB message.

To think I did use ALL methods of communication at my disposal to contact her to let her know what really happened, something SHE should have done if she really cared if I was alright............. But maybe that is just me and the way I think, I don't know. I needed to get that out of my system, vent it into cyber space. I don't yet know how I should react, unfriend her? really truly block her? I still care about her and I know will still think about and wonder if her dream of becoming a mom of 2 (or 3) actually happens. I know I won't unfriend her, I didn't I am still in some strange way on her side. She truly is an amazing women and I still want nothing but the best for her and her family so I will accept sitting on the sidelines like some thrown away piece of trash. I know who I am, I know my value, I know my loyalty. I will act like me no matter what is thrown in my face. No matter what I will still cheer her on. I wrote this post back in October of 2012 and am just now posting it... I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to but I think now is as good a time as any.

Waiting..........

I like anyone else do not like to wait, I hate waiting to hear any sort of news weather I expect good or bad news. I've been waiting for almost 2 weeks to hear about my approval, or not and it just plain sucks. The fact that they take that long is just crazy, I know this is part of the process but it sucks all the same. ?

What am I waiting for you ask?? I am waiting for the RE to either approve me or not to be a surro again. I have a wonderful lady that I have known for going on 2 yrs. I met her through a women that I was going to be a surrogate for when back in 2008, things did not work out with us but we kept in touch, still do. Anyway she introduced us and we talked but she was not sure on whether or she wanted to move forward at that time, plus my FIF's wanted to do a sibling journey. We kept in touch the whole time and she was a great support through out the pregnancy. We got to know each other and then one day she asked me, I was thrilled but at the same time scared, like I am now, that I would not be approved for another pregnancy. I am an honest person and don't sugar coat things, I have been pregnant 5 times, twice was with twins and the last set was born at 31.4 weeks. Nothing was wrong, no pre-e or preterm labor, no infections the babies just decided it was time, too early. They were rock stars and did amazingly well, I wrote about it here. BUT I still worry and sort of doubt myself. Should I? I WANT to help her sooo badly, I WANT her to have another baby, want her son to be a big brother but ultimately is if it is safe for me, for her embie/ies for me to be the one to be her surrogate. I've thought about it a lot and I feel that my body is capable, a good choice but I will leave it in the Dr's hands. MY OB says that he approves and there is no reason why I can't so his confidence helps ease my mind but its not in his hands. So I wait, wait to hear what this summer will hold for me, will it be cycling or finding this wonderful woman another surrogate?

Alright so a small update on how my surrofamily is doing.. They are all doing wonderfully, C is growing and learning and figuring out that the world is a pretty big place, she LOVES Elmo and his friends. I cannot believe that she will be 2 in a few months. My guys are just thrilled with her everyday, of course they love E and C too. It is different when your first child has their firsts, it is kinda like your firsts well in a parents sense. So the twins E&C are just amazing, they are getting big figuring out that they are playmates for each other and are having a blast with playing, pulling on each other. They are hitting their mile stones as they could with very little if an delay so that is awesome! I am happy that the guys still stay in touch, still send updates. We don't really talk but I have learned to accept that it is what it is. They have awesome hearts to still keep me in the loop somewhat. I am of the type that beggars cannot be choosers. So as my twins kindergarten teacher says "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" I know they think of me, love that I was able to help them so I am at peace with it. I would LOVE to go out there and visit again, I got to visit them in July and it was just awesome, I got to take care of babies, smell that new baby smell, play with C.. It was heaven really. They have asked me when I can come out again and though I would love for it to be soon I know that is not in the cards, the girls, my girls, have school and activities so it would be hard for me to be able to take that time out and travel. The fact that they even asked is just beyond amazing. So my surro family is doing great!

JUST MAYBE

So it may just may happen again but I'm not sure of when.mive been speaking with a really nice IM for the past few months and we may be heading towards a journey together....more on that later

It's been a long time

So it's been a long time since I have updated, where to begin?
The beginning I guess. So the twins are doing amazingly, they are a little over 5 months and are growing and keeping their dads busy. I did get to visit them in July and though it was fun it was tiring. I think the guys thought I wanted it to be a baby weekend cause I spent a ton of ti e holding/changing/feeding it was so great but dang did I forget how busy twins keep you. They are si ply divine and their older sister well she IS the queen of the house (as she should be) I was and amazed that, that beautiful little creature grew inside my tummy. She is one of the most amazing children, beside my own of course. She is smart and sooooooo energetic! I was sad to leave but happy too, satisfied,content, blessed. I was so happy to know that those 3 precious girls have a dads, a nanny (who loves them like her own!) and family that not only love them, but cherish them. They are very lucky and blessed little girls! I can only pray that I am able and allowed to be o. The sidelines to witness the remarkable women they are surely to become.

You owe me a coke....

Well I jinxed it, my last post was on April 26th and I gave birth on the 28th... The babies were only 31.4 weeks. They did and are doing AWESOME though. I am not writing a birth story for several reasons but the main reason is that I don't have one really, yes they were born but the story is pretty much I woke up bleeding, went to the hospital, and an hr later they were born. Not really a lot to embellish or elaborate on. The girls are freaking rock starts though, I could go on and on about that,
Elle(A) was born crying and screaming and NEVER needed any help breathing, not once, Charlie (B) needed help with oxygen for the first 4 hrs. and then she was on a CPAP pushing room air for another 3 days but then after that she needed NOTHING, can we say AMAZING?!! Never mind the fact that they were off ALL IV's and tubes after one week. The guys flew them home about 2 weeks after they were born and they just went home on Monday this week. They are gaining weight and growing. I am so proud of those 2, where my body failed them they picked up the slack. They are beautiful girls and their older sister does not really understand who these visitors are just yet, but she's doing great as well. They guys are holding up well, but they have loads of help from the night nurse to 2 nannies and ALL the family they have their doing great, it will hit them fully in about 4 months when the night nurse is gone, lol. It won;t be easy at all, given they have a 14 month old and 2 almost 1.5 month olds under the same roof to care for.

So things are good, I pumped for a about a month and lost over 20lbs! I have since stopped, kinda wish I didn't but it was a hassle especially since the twins were home and the milk was no longer for them. I loved the benefits of pumping, I wish it could be that easy after to lose weight.

I probably won't be blogging at all or very little in the future, I am not sure what my future holds when it comes to surrogacy but most likely this was my last journey.