So by the name of the post it is someones birthday! Well it's my twins!! I cannot believe that they are 4. It seems just like yesterday that I was in my OB's office for a regular appointment but low and behold I was contracting, I felt NOTHING, and when i say that I mean it no twinges or anything. So my OB tells me to goto the hospital to get monitored for a few more hrs and to stop any possible impending labor. I was 34.6 weeks pregnant. So I thought to myself as I was driving toward the hospital that I don't even have my bag packed yet..
I did not have one packed because my pregnancy was going so great that I just felt that I would wait till 36 weeks to pack one.
So instead of going straight to the hospital I made a detour home to pack a small bag. So I get home and am in my room rushing around to get things in order and I stop to look at a picture that is on my dresser, I do not keep pictures on my dresser they are always down stairs in the living room, anyway the picture was of my hubbys father, who had already passed away, I thought it was even stranger though cause this picture WAS NOT on my dresser when I left for my appointment AND it was HIS BIRTHDAY as well. So I pick it up and talk to him as though he is there and say " Well Papa I sure hope my instincts are wring but I think you may just have to share your birthday with these 2" I then had an overwhelming feeling that he was there and telling me yes. Long story short Taylor & Moriah were born on his birthday! I did then and still do think that this was his plan all along..lol
So my twins are 4. Crazy thought for me because it seems like yesterday they were infants. I miss that smell, the smell of a baby, on their neck. I have always LOVED that smell. I miss begin able to hold and cuddle them, to watch them sleep. See their faces light up when you pick them up, to see them looking around to a world un- explored, full of possibilities. It is not like the twins are grown, but they depend on me less, and less and I can say that I truly miss that true dependency that once had.
I truly understand where parents come from when they say that "They will always be my baby" To me this means that they will always be my last. My last chance to breath in their youth, their fresh outlook on life. To experience their firsts. Makes me sad but at the same time I am over joyed that they are here, happy and healthy.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
YAY!! I have followers!
LOL... I just wanted to say a HUGE thanks so my 2 followers and for my comment! I have been writing on this blog for just about 2 yrs. and this is the first time I feel like actually writing. I hope I don't disappoint..
So lets see whats going on now.. lets start with my f-up of a NC ( nurse coordinator) also known at my clinic as the Donor Coordinator. Don't get me wrong she is sweet and all but sweet does NOT get shit done. She is the 2rd one that my IF's and I have dealt with.. First was Tiffany, LOVED her she was the BEST and she was my NC last time I even bought her an extravagant bouquet of flowers and I was soooo excited to get to work with her again, but she is gone because she had a beautiful baby and is taking care of him. So on to the next one Heather! She started out great, she asked me what days I was not available and I let her know via email Sept 26th - Oct. 5th because that was our BIG Disney World trip. So she said fine no problems and to just let her know when my cycle started. Well my cycle started on the 21st, no problems there I thought it would be here between the 22nd-25th so i was right on track. I emailed Heather on Saturday and no word almost ALL day on Monday and that scared me because Monday was my day 3 and I knew I needed to get my baseline blood work done. Well the NEW NC called me at 3:30 Denver time which is 5:30 DC time so I knew she had probably forgot about me, well she told me to come in anytime from 7:30am - 9:30am, then I told her umm I am in Denver so I will go into my monitoring clinic, she then says Oh OK then you do that. I ask her if SHE wants ME to call them to schedule an appointment. Of course she shay yes. So I just deal and take it for what it s worth and call my clinic here, well guess what? She NEVER faxed over the orders to them AND they have to have that first, but even better they also HAVE to have a credit card on file before I can come in as well. '
I then try to call the DC clinic and the phones of course are off, so I leave a message AND send her a few emails. I of course have to call my IF to let him know what is going on and he is a bit unsettled because this new NC used to be in billing and she does not really know ( or at least she is showing us she dosen't know) what she is doing. OK fast forward to Tuesday.
Well it does not start out so promising. Remember I am 2 hrs behind DC so the NC is in the clinic and could have handled the 2 things that she needed to, that I told her needed to be taken care of BEFORE I could even schedule my appt. You think it was done?? NOPE. So I had to get on the phone and call around, I finally got her to fax the orders over but she still has not handled the credit card issue. I mean seriously?? So MY clinic out here calls me to see what the hold up is and then Lori says she will call the DC clinic to get it sorted and not to worry. Lets put it this way she speaks with the NC, NC tells her she will call her back in 10 min. well 20 min later and NO CALL. So I call MY IF and tell him, he calls MY clinic and gives them a CC and literally at 9am I am told to be there by 930am... Good thing I was ALREADY on my way to the clinic. UGH so annoying that I have to keep on track of these things.
Oh and she still messes up the calendar! She has on there for me to go in and get the ONE and only ultrasound and blood work on October 4th! WTF?? Did you NOT read any of Heather's emails? i am out of town. So I had to call and leave another message with her. I am NOT calling to tell my IF what is going on because it is just going to stress him out and he does NOT need the added stress.. So now I get to play phone tag again! Good thing I don't work cause if I did I would really be ready to kill this women!
So lets see whats going on now.. lets start with my f-up of a NC ( nurse coordinator) also known at my clinic as the Donor Coordinator. Don't get me wrong she is sweet and all but sweet does NOT get shit done. She is the 2rd one that my IF's and I have dealt with.. First was Tiffany, LOVED her she was the BEST and she was my NC last time I even bought her an extravagant bouquet of flowers and I was soooo excited to get to work with her again, but she is gone because she had a beautiful baby and is taking care of him. So on to the next one Heather! She started out great, she asked me what days I was not available and I let her know via email Sept 26th - Oct. 5th because that was our BIG Disney World trip. So she said fine no problems and to just let her know when my cycle started. Well my cycle started on the 21st, no problems there I thought it would be here between the 22nd-25th so i was right on track. I emailed Heather on Saturday and no word almost ALL day on Monday and that scared me because Monday was my day 3 and I knew I needed to get my baseline blood work done. Well the NEW NC called me at 3:30 Denver time which is 5:30 DC time so I knew she had probably forgot about me, well she told me to come in anytime from 7:30am - 9:30am, then I told her umm I am in Denver so I will go into my monitoring clinic, she then says Oh OK then you do that. I ask her if SHE wants ME to call them to schedule an appointment. Of course she shay yes. So I just deal and take it for what it s worth and call my clinic here, well guess what? She NEVER faxed over the orders to them AND they have to have that first, but even better they also HAVE to have a credit card on file before I can come in as well. '
I then try to call the DC clinic and the phones of course are off, so I leave a message AND send her a few emails. I of course have to call my IF to let him know what is going on and he is a bit unsettled because this new NC used to be in billing and she does not really know ( or at least she is showing us she dosen't know) what she is doing. OK fast forward to Tuesday.
Well it does not start out so promising. Remember I am 2 hrs behind DC so the NC is in the clinic and could have handled the 2 things that she needed to, that I told her needed to be taken care of BEFORE I could even schedule my appt. You think it was done?? NOPE. So I had to get on the phone and call around, I finally got her to fax the orders over but she still has not handled the credit card issue. I mean seriously?? So MY clinic out here calls me to see what the hold up is and then Lori says she will call the DC clinic to get it sorted and not to worry. Lets put it this way she speaks with the NC, NC tells her she will call her back in 10 min. well 20 min later and NO CALL. So I call MY IF and tell him, he calls MY clinic and gives them a CC and literally at 9am I am told to be there by 930am... Good thing I was ALREADY on my way to the clinic. UGH so annoying that I have to keep on track of these things.
Oh and she still messes up the calendar! She has on there for me to go in and get the ONE and only ultrasound and blood work on October 4th! WTF?? Did you NOT read any of Heather's emails? i am out of town. So I had to call and leave another message with her. I am NOT calling to tell my IF what is going on because it is just going to stress him out and he does NOT need the added stress.. So now I get to play phone tag again! Good thing I don't work cause if I did I would really be ready to kill this women!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
NO SUPPORT...
Well given the title it really says it all. I will have NO support for my next journey. And to think I thought that I had the most supportive family ever. Well guess not. I just found out that my MIL thought that we ( DH) and I should have given her some of my comp money. That my DH "should" have wanted to give it to her.. Are you serious??? WOW is all I can say. And now she is against my doing this again which in turn means she will not watch the girls at all. Now I have to find a babysitter/nanny that I can trust my girls with, never mind that it will cost the guys more money, ugh. I am so tired to her yoyo support. Never mind that now I feel I will have to deal with my DH's lack of support because of his mother. I am so upset it is crazy.. I want this journey to be great and it is sooooo not starting out that way...Great
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Another journey??
So I have been getting all my paperwork in order and have had my testing done. I am happy to say that all is well and I am healthy!! I was nervous about my PAP because of my scare back in 08 and I think I always will be, BUT it came back normal and fine. My agency is THE BEST. My coordinator D called and said that she has a couple that I might be interested in. I got their profile and was very happy because they seem like really down to earth great people. This time they are a traditional couple so that is a little scary. The IM is only 36 and has never been pregnant. I say that it scares me because I know with IF's they go into this KNOWING that they can never be pregnant and with an IM I do not know how she will react. What if we have a failed cycle ( which is a very high probability) what if I mis-carry, what if she freaks out cause I am pregnant. The likely hood of an IM pulling away and not having any contact after the pregnancy is a TON higher than with IF's and I am already in that world and I do not like it one bit. I HATE feeling like I have to beg for an update or a picture. It would suck to have to go through that again.
So they have my profile and have 2 days to say if they want to do a phone interview. BUT it will be longer than that because of the holiday weekend, which stinks but at the same time won't be too bad since its a fun weekend and busy. I am a lot more calm this go around, still have butterflies but not as bad. I haven't told anyone about the profile and what I think about my possible match. My hubby has asked a few questions here and there but he knows how this goes and won't be too concerned till I tell him that they want to talk and move forward. That's when ALL the questions begin..lol.
Just a little update on M... Her surro is 9 weeks and doing great. I think that this pregnancy will go just fine and in 7 months M will have her babies in her arms. I can tell by M's posts that she is way more calm about this cycle and has been since the beginning. So the next u/s is next Wednesday.
On another note. I haven't heard from my IF's in a few weeks. I have never received any type of real pictures, just camera phone quick shots. I know they did birth announcements and do you think I got one? NOPE. I know that I am not entitled to any contact at all and did not go into this to be BFF's with my IF's but damn. I just feel like a piece of chewed gum that got spit out. All used up and not needed and never given a second thought after I am spit out. I know that they have to think of me when they see their daughter but is it REALLY so hard to put forth an ounce of effort? I also have NOT told them that I am moving on, the last real conversations was me telling them and really opening myself up to them about how I wanted for us to try and be in contact more and how I felt. We talked and said we wanted to work together for a sibling journey but I know now that it is NOT possible. I feel bad somewhat cause I do think it will be hard for them to match with another surro. I know for a fact that I am a VERY open minded person and to find others like me is gong to be hard. I still have the want and desire to carry Caroline's sibling but again I have to think of ME and what I want out of this next journey. I cannot just think about my IP's, yes we all want the same thing in the end for them to be parents but at the same time is it right for me to compromise what *I* need/want? No and i will not. No I cannot force a relationship to be built but at the same time I can certainly move forward with another couple that would also like to at least TRY to build one with me.
So they have my profile and have 2 days to say if they want to do a phone interview. BUT it will be longer than that because of the holiday weekend, which stinks but at the same time won't be too bad since its a fun weekend and busy. I am a lot more calm this go around, still have butterflies but not as bad. I haven't told anyone about the profile and what I think about my possible match. My hubby has asked a few questions here and there but he knows how this goes and won't be too concerned till I tell him that they want to talk and move forward. That's when ALL the questions begin..lol.
Just a little update on M... Her surro is 9 weeks and doing great. I think that this pregnancy will go just fine and in 7 months M will have her babies in her arms. I can tell by M's posts that she is way more calm about this cycle and has been since the beginning. So the next u/s is next Wednesday.
On another note. I haven't heard from my IF's in a few weeks. I have never received any type of real pictures, just camera phone quick shots. I know they did birth announcements and do you think I got one? NOPE. I know that I am not entitled to any contact at all and did not go into this to be BFF's with my IF's but damn. I just feel like a piece of chewed gum that got spit out. All used up and not needed and never given a second thought after I am spit out. I know that they have to think of me when they see their daughter but is it REALLY so hard to put forth an ounce of effort? I also have NOT told them that I am moving on, the last real conversations was me telling them and really opening myself up to them about how I wanted for us to try and be in contact more and how I felt. We talked and said we wanted to work together for a sibling journey but I know now that it is NOT possible. I feel bad somewhat cause I do think it will be hard for them to match with another surro. I know for a fact that I am a VERY open minded person and to find others like me is gong to be hard. I still have the want and desire to carry Caroline's sibling but again I have to think of ME and what I want out of this next journey. I cannot just think about my IP's, yes we all want the same thing in the end for them to be parents but at the same time is it right for me to compromise what *I* need/want? No and i will not. No I cannot force a relationship to be built but at the same time I can certainly move forward with another couple that would also like to at least TRY to build one with me.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Can I say this out loud???
Of course I can, IT'S TWINS FOR SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK I have been dying all day to say this, it's not like anyone really reads my blog or anything so it's not like I would have spilled the beans but it is Sunshine's news to cheer about first so I had to wait.. I screamed when I got the simple 2 line text today!! My girls all looked and came running, the said in unison I might add " what's wrong mommy!?" All I could say was nothing at all everything is just right! I am still amazed that she has twins bakin away it is the greatest thing and she so deserves this. I found out about a week ago that there were 2 sacs with yolks and both measuring the same, I could not get all excited till today though. I did let it run through my mind of her having her hand full (literally) with 2 babies! I daydreamed a little about how it would be for her and her hubby. I also went and thought about how it was when my girls were little, how crazy my life was for the first 2 yrs. I truly cannot wait till the day that she is talking about her being tired from no sleep. I can't wait to go and buy twin things... These babies are so incredibly blessed to have the parents they do. I know one day they will know how much they have been wanted and loved before they were even here and by soooo many people!! It is going to be so hard to not bother K ( her surro) I do not really know her very well but feel so close to her because she is carrying Sunshine's babies, I know it sounds weird but I do. Being a surrogate, mom and someone who has carried twins I just feel so attached to K and Sunshine. OK that is enough for now..
OK I have been dying all day to say this, it's not like anyone really reads my blog or anything so it's not like I would have spilled the beans but it is Sunshine's news to cheer about first so I had to wait.. I screamed when I got the simple 2 line text today!! My girls all looked and came running, the said in unison I might add " what's wrong mommy!?" All I could say was nothing at all everything is just right! I am still amazed that she has twins bakin away it is the greatest thing and she so deserves this. I found out about a week ago that there were 2 sacs with yolks and both measuring the same, I could not get all excited till today though. I did let it run through my mind of her having her hand full (literally) with 2 babies! I daydreamed a little about how it would be for her and her hubby. I also went and thought about how it was when my girls were little, how crazy my life was for the first 2 yrs. I truly cannot wait till the day that she is talking about her being tired from no sleep. I can't wait to go and buy twin things... These babies are so incredibly blessed to have the parents they do. I know one day they will know how much they have been wanted and loved before they were even here and by soooo many people!! It is going to be so hard to not bother K ( her surro) I do not really know her very well but feel so close to her because she is carrying Sunshine's babies, I know it sounds weird but I do. Being a surrogate, mom and someone who has carried twins I just feel so attached to K and Sunshine. OK that is enough for now..
Thursday, June 3, 2010
It's been a long time..
Since I have updated my blog. I have been through a lot since July 8th 2009 and it is quickly approaching my yr. anniversary since we transferred what is now a beautiful baby girl. I am so beyond elated that I have created a family. I just am really torn on what I want to do. I want to move on and help another wonderful couple but at the same time I want to wait for M&M so we can do our sibling project. I know they will not be ready till next year but my fear is that they will change their minds and push out the date further and I could have already begun on another journey. I had such great journey ( yes it had ups and downs but that is to be expected) that I really want to jump in again. I want to be pregnant again, I want to see and experience the looks/faces that I did with my IF's. Those are moments like with my own children's births I will NEVER forget. I am really thinking of talking with Dana just so I can get her opinion and maybe she can guide me in the right direction. I know that I will not jump in head first time I truly know that this is what I want and need.
It's funny cause I never really thought of being a surrogate as something that I would ever need..lol I LOVE the getting to know you process, learning about my IP's and who they are, what they are looking for, the type of parents they will ( God willing) be. Getting a contract, getting meds via the FedEx man, lol it was crazy cause the morning I got my meds the first time I was actually just looking out the window with anticipation. It was the same feeling I had as a young girl Christmas eve night, that waiting.. Then all the cycling stuff. You get soooo invested emotionally that you can't help but become attached to not only the baby you will carry but your Ip's as well. For me the attachment is directed WAY more towards my IF's. I can truly say that I miss the hell out of them. I miss them calling and emailing. yes we still talk but it is more limited, they are super busy dads of a wonderfully beautiful little girl. I look at her and I feel an immense sense of pride. I want that feeling again.... We shall see what the future holds.
It's funny cause I never really thought of being a surrogate as something that I would ever need..lol I LOVE the getting to know you process, learning about my IP's and who they are, what they are looking for, the type of parents they will ( God willing) be. Getting a contract, getting meds via the FedEx man, lol it was crazy cause the morning I got my meds the first time I was actually just looking out the window with anticipation. It was the same feeling I had as a young girl Christmas eve night, that waiting.. Then all the cycling stuff. You get soooo invested emotionally that you can't help but become attached to not only the baby you will carry but your Ip's as well. For me the attachment is directed WAY more towards my IF's. I can truly say that I miss the hell out of them. I miss them calling and emailing. yes we still talk but it is more limited, they are super busy dads of a wonderfully beautiful little girl. I look at her and I feel an immense sense of pride. I want that feeling again.... We shall see what the future holds.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
An update is in order I guess..
Life has gone back to normal, if you call my life normal... I had a VERY rough 4 weeks after Miss Caroline was born. Physically I was just a mess. I had to have and emergency D&C and that whole experience was just crazy and a bit scary. I know it scared the living Jesus out of my husband. He is still a little different 4 weeks after that whole scare. I had to even call an ambulance to take me to the hospital.. Enough about me.
Miss Caroline is doing great. My IF's are of course over the moon happy. I on the other hand wish they would allow me a better glimpse into their world. I am back to feeling left on the other side of the window looking in. I almost feel like there is something wrong with me wanting to be more part of their life. I get pictures but only ones they take on the cell phone. I asked for pictures from the hospital weeks ago and they said they would send them but I have yet to get them. Yes I know they are busy but these are pictures that *I* took on my own camera. It was an accident that they were totally taken off my memory card. I really wanted to put together a picture montage for them and myself but I can't without those pictures. I am the one who is always emailing and asking for updates and pictures, it just feels like a VERY one way effort. I told myself that I wold stop emailing them and see what they do on their own with no reminders from me. I know I am not her family or part of her life but hell I carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her and want to be in the "loop". I barley have time to think about it anymore which is a good thing. I am very busy with my own family, but every time I see a baby or pregnant women her face flashes in my mind. This may sound really wrong but I kinda wish that she were my FIM's because I know for a fact that I would be in the "loop". Ugh it is such a double edged sword sometimes. I am so beyond happy and grateful to my IF's for allowing me the glimpse that they have but I just want a bit more and I have no idea how to tell them without sounding like I am owed or demanding more from them.
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