Do you feel pregnant??

How to answer this question. No I don't, I never do. Even with my previous twin pregnancies I don't "feel pregnant" I am not nauseaus, my boobs don't hurt I am not overly tired. Not in the beginning at least. I have the occasional queasiness but it is nothing really. I am natrually a sleepy person so I doubt I would really notice being really tired. I wish sometimes that I felt pregnant so that way I could relax a bit knowing that the symptoms of pregnancy mean that the baby is growing. I hate waiting for the first u/s and because it is not till I am 7 weeks it is a LONG wait.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with little projects around the house that need to be completed but I am running out of things to do and surfing the web in between is getting very old. I am hoping these next 10 days go by a bit faster.....

Numbers of the day!!

So I have been waiting to post my numbers because I wanted to see how well they would double, if they doubled at al. On Monday I went in for my first beta and that came back at 382 and we were all very pleased with this number. I know what this number means, for me, which I am not thrilled about but am happy all the same to be pregnant. This number is only 20 points higher than my first beta with my surro twins. So I am pretty sure there are 2 beans snuggling in. Today my beta came in at 1468 which puts me around 37 hrs. of doubling time. They ant to see it doubling around every 48hrs. So I am right on track!

Do I feel any different, nope. The same as I always do,maybe a touch of nausea here and there but nothing really. I don't usually feel pregnant even with the twins. Only time shall tell I guess.

Seeing double!!

Surrogates are notorious for peeing till they drop..lol You get that much wanted 2nd line but you HAVE to make sure it gets darker and you have something to compare it to so we pee, and pee and pee some more! That is JUST what I have been doing, and my hubby thinks I am insane, just like the other 2 journeys he thought the same.

As you see above those are MY lines!!! I am 6dp5dt and that is an amazing line! I got my first real line on 4dp5dt which is a scary thought. I am beginning to think both of these embies stuck around. I am going to keep testing to see how the line progress. It will be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG 3 days till beta but I have made it this far so just a little bit further to go.

Shadows....

So I actually started testing yesterday...crazy I know. Today I am 4dp5dt (4 days post 5 day transfer) and I was not expecting to see anything and this mornings test gave me just that nothing. I am testing 3 times a day till I get a solid line or till I realize there will be no line and with that said I tested this afternoon and............ There is a shadow!! SO I am optimistic,that this shadow will turn into a wonderful strong dark line. Only time will tell. Oh an just a disclaimer, the above picture is NOT mine, it is just a picture I found..lol

My first beta is next Monday and it cant get here fast enough, the guys don't want to know any HPT ( home pregnancy test) results, they are afraid of getting a false positive so they want to just wait for Monday's results. I can't blame them because all this testing is going to drive me insane. All the "is it a line, or an evap" or am I just seeing things is going to send me over the edge. I will say that I am glad in a way that I haven't seen a line yet because that would scare me, and make me wonder that much more about how many are in there..lol

So I will hold on to hope that this shadow is a sign of things to come and that one little baby bean is in there snuggling in for 8 more months

The dreaded 2WW

SOOO I have entered the dreaded 2WW (week wait) but it is more like 9 days. We had our transfer on the 8th and it went great!! We transferred 2 fresh 5 day blasts. I was nervous at first but the guys were so calm, or at least they didn't let their anxiety show through. It went just like my previous times except our RE was VERY involved. He talked to us in the waiting room, gave us the paper work to sign and walked me to the transfer room, my last clinic this was all handled by the staff I didn't even see the RE till I was already on the table..lol This RE is very personable and had excellent bed side manner. I even got a copy of the picture they take of the embryos which I thought was nice so that way I could have a keepsake as well.

So a little about my pre-transfer experience. I flew into NY on Wednesday and it was an easy flight, I had a middle seat but the flight 2was not fully booked and lucky me the seat next to me (window) was open! I LOVE the window seat because I NEVER move on a flight, I use the restroom prior, I HATE public restrooms and the thought of using an airplane restroom gives me the creeps so unless it is dire I stay away. Being in a window seat is so much better because you never have to get up to allow other in/out. I arrived in NY at the height of traffic and the hotel is a good hour to hour and ten minutes away so this meant it took me 2 . 5 hrs. to get there, but good thing my driver was really cool. I finally arrived and I was beat, I had bee up since 3am because I wanted to see my hubby off before he went to work and I could not get back to sleep. I pretty much just ate and went to bed. I knew the next day would be a long one because the guys were going to show me around the "real New York" as they put it. I walked, rode the subway, at amazing food and saw the typical New York landmarks but from afar, which was best because it meant no crowds or tons of people.



On Friday they took me to Blue Hill Farm which is the most beautiful farm/grounds I have ever seen. Never mind the farm to table freshness of the food but everything else as well was simply perfect. They have a small market and it is just filled with any and everything that is simple but perfect. Oh how I wish I lived back east just so I could visit this place and have lunch/dinner every so often.

So now I am 2dp5dt and am not dying to pee on a stick..lol Not yet, I know by tomorrow I will break down and pee, and now that I am talking about it I want to, but I am going to wait, I would be scared out of my mind if I got a line right now..OMG ok yes I will wait.

Thinking THICK

Alright so the last time I updated I was bummed out because my lining was not cooperating and it was not thin enough to start my Estrace. WELL Last Monday I had another ultrasound and low and behold that after the Provera and me doing anything and everything I could it worked. I never did get my period which was SUPER strange because I took the Provera for 6 days AND drank parsley & ginger tea as well as a lot of papaya juice. I googled how to induce my period and those were some of the things listed. SO anyways last Monday I had an u/s and my lining was 4.5!! Yes you read that right 4.5 and no period, just spotting a little. Now things were back on!! I started my Estrace and lowered my Lupron and yesterday I went to have another u/s and this time we wanted a fluffy & thick lining. WELL how is 15 for you?! Yup my lining went from 4.5 to a 15! That was just the average and in some spots is was 16, so this turned out to be excellent news because the guys egg donor was already on meds to do her retrieval because she could not wait any longer for me. SOOO this means that I will be doing a fresh transfer next week sometime!! I am not sure on exact dates because it all depends on the donor now. I am still not completely relaxed because you just never know what can happen and until you are on the table at the IVF clinic about to transfer anything can happen, so I still need good thoughts for our egg donor. We want to have a good number of eggs but most important is the quality, then there fertilization... Still so many things for me to think about going awry.
 

Surro family update

It has been a while since I updated about my surro family. They are all doing so wonderful! M&M are the best dads a girl could ask for they are simply amazing! The girls are getting big so quickly and it is again time for another trip to visit them and I cannot wait! I got a few pics the other day of them playing with bubbles and having such a blast.
 

A little set back

So I have been MIA for a little while and that is because we had a little set back and it is my fault. I cant lie and say I was not pouting a bit because I was. SO on the 2nd I went in to have my baseline u/s and blood work done. Well my blood work was great but the reading for my u/s were higher than the RE likes to see. He wants it below a 7 and mine was 7.5. At first I thought no big deal because I was not completely through with my cycle and I figured I would keep shedding. My NC was really sweet about it and said that since I am so close that they would just wait till Monday's repeat u/s to see what we need to change if anything. SO Monday rolled around and I just knew my lining would be the same if not thicker and I was right this time it was measuring an 8.3, I knew this meant that it would push our transfer dates out and I was right. I have been on provera since Monday and I am hoping that tomorrow my cycle will start back up and my body will do what it needs so we can get this show on the road. I hate that I my body isn't cooperating but there isn't anything I can do, sooooo I have been in a little bit of bad mood. So all of you that read..if any of you lol please just send good thoughts my way please, and thanks!!
 

Randoms

So just a little random post for today, I started meds this past Saturday and so far so good. no headaches or mood swings. I hope to keep up this good luck I seem to be having. Only time shall tell, I just hope the Lupron is doing its job and making sure all things are quiet and stay that way.
 

Meds!!

The only people I know that get excited to receive a box full of medication and needles are surrogates. I got my box o fun today and I am so excited to get things started. I start Lupron on Saturday! Lupron suppress your ovaries so you don't ovulate, it is injected into your stomach with a tiny needle. I have had 2 previous cycles where it was my only needle and this cycle will be the same, which makes me a happy camper. I know a bunch of surrogates that would much rather do PIO, which is a form of progesterone. It is a much larger needle that is injected into the upper right part of your butt. BUT it usually leaves you with a knotted, lumpy sore butt and I would much rather use the suppositories. So here is to officially getting the ball rolling! Only 42 more days till transfer....so far yet so close! .

 

Final Journey Begins!!

Well the time has come to share where I am in my final journey...
 I am matched to a wonderful gay couple M&M, yes I know they have the same initials as my guys ( I will forever call them my guys, well because they are) which in my opinion I take as a good sign! They are funny, down to earth and just all around great people. I got to meet them at my screening appointment which was great! They live far from me as well which stinks but it is what it is.

So we matched back in January and met in March for the first time. I was so incredibly nervous about out meeting and also the meeting with the RE. Given my history after the premature birth of my surrotwins I was not as optimistic as I was with my other journeys. Turned out I had nothing to worry about, after a long talk with the RE and what my expectations are as well as the guys we were all on the same page! He did do an exam to look in my uterus to see if I had any polyps or cysts and nope nothing at all. He was amazed that he could not see any scar tissue at all considering I have had 2 c-sections  . He also tried to break down the statistics that out of all 7 babies I have delivered that they are all girls. This RE was a very laid back one, and I like that about him, but the most important thing is for him to get me pregnant!

Everything is all set and we are ready to go. Contracts are signed, escrow is set up, testing is done and now we are officially cycling!!!! I start Lupron on the 20th and I will be a nervous wreck until May 29th and we have the fertilization report and we know that there will be embryos to transfer, then I will be a HUGE ball of anxiety and nerves till transfer day and then...OK let me stop getting ahead of myself. First things first start Lupron and hopefully, God willing my uterus cooperates and grows a nice fluffy lining.

 

Assumptions....

SO why do people assume? We all do it, we try not to but it is just something that happens. It is what happens AFTER is what is important, if you take that assumption and run with it so to say. Being on the other end of an assumption really sucks, not only can it be hurtful but damaging as well. I guess I should explain. So my last post ended off with trying to be approved for another final journey, to help a women that I thought was amazing. I don't think she is any less amazing, nor do I think anything different of her. Well it turned out that her RE was unwilling to move forward with me as her surro and I knew this was a very possible situation and was prepared for it. IT no less sucked after hearing this news in July, it sucked more for her though. All I could think about was her and how she felt, and what she was going to do next. If I could help her find another surro that she would be comfortable with that could help her. She and I had a good relationship that was growing into a friendship, she is a very busy lady but always made time to chit chat or answer questions. So after our answer from the RE I wanted to give her some time to clear her mind and feelings, so I did not really contact her, I would comment on her FB page or like a picture so she knew I was still there.

 At the time in July there were things going on in my life that were stressful and hectic and the week of the July theater shootings I decided to deactivate my FB account, why? So I could be removed from everything that was a distraction to my life, so I could put all effort and energy into my life and things that were going on. Well the shooting happened and she (my possible IM) knew I lived in the vicinity of what happened and apparently she tried to contact me via FB, but I was gone. Come to find out months later after she had not responded to several messages, or posted on my wall ( after I reactivated at the end of August) I looked at her blog and what did I see? A post about me and how I cut her out of my life and that all she was to me were possible $$ signs....SERIOUSLY?? She did not try to contact me via text message, and YES she had my number, or email and again YES she has that too. She just spewed vial words of disgust about me on her blog.

 Then Aurora happens and I immediately look to see if she is OK (on FB – she lives in that vicinity) and she is gone. Poof. She blocked me. She erased me from her life. My husband was very relieved that we didn’t proceed further with someone who clearly didn’t see us as anything more than dollar signs…I took it a bit harder.. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. The idea of someone carrying a child for me wasn’t easy. I had pangs and yearnings and questions but I made peace with it because of her. I also felt a connection to her and knew she would care for my children (if they do turn into children but with a normal CGH embryo made a few years ago, you have a good chance in the right womb). The person that I almost let carry my children blocked me on facebook. Just.Like.THAT. If that isn’t a kick in the pants, I don’t know what is. All I can say is I hope she isn’t following me. Fool me once and I get the picture. I’ve now learned that life is not only about choices but also how you react to the choices of others. I just keep on thinking…what if she had my children living inside of her and blocked me. What if, what if, what if. Maybe I have a guardian angel. I don’t know.

I am in awe of this post, because I needed time away from FB she ASSumes that I am just a careless, money grubbing piece of dirt. So I tried messaging her, again, and no response so I CALLED her on both numbers I had, emailed her and do you think I got a response? No, and crazy still we are still FB friends, you would think if I blocked her or unfriended her we would not still be FB friends but we are, you know why?? Because I NEVER did what she ASSumed I did. I cannot believe that she would go as far as not to return my calls, text message, email or FB message.

To think I did use ALL methods of communication at my disposal to contact her to let her know what really happened, something SHE should have done if she really cared if I was alright............. But maybe that is just me and the way I think, I don't know. I needed to get that out of my system, vent it into cyber space. I don't yet know how I should react, unfriend her? really truly block her? I still care about her and I know will still think about and wonder if her dream of becoming a mom of 2 (or 3) actually happens. I know I won't unfriend her, I didn't I am still in some strange way on her side. She truly is an amazing women and I still want nothing but the best for her and her family so I will accept sitting on the sidelines like some thrown away piece of trash. I know who I am, I know my value, I know my loyalty. I will act like me no matter what is thrown in my face. No matter what I will still cheer her on. I wrote this post back in October of 2012 and am just now posting it... I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to but I think now is as good a time as any.

Waiting..........

I like anyone else do not like to wait, I hate waiting to hear any sort of news weather I expect good or bad news. I've been waiting for almost 2 weeks to hear about my approval, or not and it just plain sucks. The fact that they take that long is just crazy, I know this is part of the process but it sucks all the same. ?

What am I waiting for you ask?? I am waiting for the RE to either approve me or not to be a surro again. I have a wonderful lady that I have known for going on 2 yrs. I met her through a women that I was going to be a surrogate for when back in 2008, things did not work out with us but we kept in touch, still do. Anyway she introduced us and we talked but she was not sure on whether or she wanted to move forward at that time, plus my FIF's wanted to do a sibling journey. We kept in touch the whole time and she was a great support through out the pregnancy. We got to know each other and then one day she asked me, I was thrilled but at the same time scared, like I am now, that I would not be approved for another pregnancy. I am an honest person and don't sugar coat things, I have been pregnant 5 times, twice was with twins and the last set was born at 31.4 weeks. Nothing was wrong, no pre-e or preterm labor, no infections the babies just decided it was time, too early. They were rock stars and did amazingly well, I wrote about it here. BUT I still worry and sort of doubt myself. Should I? I WANT to help her sooo badly, I WANT her to have another baby, want her son to be a big brother but ultimately is if it is safe for me, for her embie/ies for me to be the one to be her surrogate. I've thought about it a lot and I feel that my body is capable, a good choice but I will leave it in the Dr's hands. MY OB says that he approves and there is no reason why I can't so his confidence helps ease my mind but its not in his hands. So I wait, wait to hear what this summer will hold for me, will it be cycling or finding this wonderful woman another surrogate?

Alright so a small update on how my surrofamily is doing.. They are all doing wonderfully, C is growing and learning and figuring out that the world is a pretty big place, she LOVES Elmo and his friends. I cannot believe that she will be 2 in a few months. My guys are just thrilled with her everyday, of course they love E and C too. It is different when your first child has their firsts, it is kinda like your firsts well in a parents sense. So the twins E&C are just amazing, they are getting big figuring out that they are playmates for each other and are having a blast with playing, pulling on each other. They are hitting their mile stones as they could with very little if an delay so that is awesome! I am happy that the guys still stay in touch, still send updates. We don't really talk but I have learned to accept that it is what it is. They have awesome hearts to still keep me in the loop somewhat. I am of the type that beggars cannot be choosers. So as my twins kindergarten teacher says "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" I know they think of me, love that I was able to help them so I am at peace with it. I would LOVE to go out there and visit again, I got to visit them in July and it was just awesome, I got to take care of babies, smell that new baby smell, play with C.. It was heaven really. They have asked me when I can come out again and though I would love for it to be soon I know that is not in the cards, the girls, my girls, have school and activities so it would be hard for me to be able to take that time out and travel. The fact that they even asked is just beyond amazing. So my surro family is doing great!

JUST MAYBE

So it may just may happen again but I'm not sure of when.mive been speaking with a really nice IM for the past few months and we may be heading towards a journey together....more on that later

It's been a long time

So it's been a long time since I have updated, where to begin?
The beginning I guess. So the twins are doing amazingly, they are a little over 5 months and are growing and keeping their dads busy. I did get to visit them in July and though it was fun it was tiring. I think the guys thought I wanted it to be a baby weekend cause I spent a ton of ti e holding/changing/feeding it was so great but dang did I forget how busy twins keep you. They are si ply divine and their older sister well she IS the queen of the house (as she should be) I was and amazed that, that beautiful little creature grew inside my tummy. She is one of the most amazing children, beside my own of course. She is smart and sooooooo energetic! I was sad to leave but happy too, satisfied,content, blessed. I was so happy to know that those 3 precious girls have a dads, a nanny (who loves them like her own!) and family that not only love them, but cherish them. They are very lucky and blessed little girls! I can only pray that I am able and allowed to be o. The sidelines to witness the remarkable women they are surely to become.

You owe me a coke....

Well I jinxed it, my last post was on April 26th and I gave birth on the 28th... The babies were only 31.4 weeks. They did and are doing AWESOME though. I am not writing a birth story for several reasons but the main reason is that I don't have one really, yes they were born but the story is pretty much I woke up bleeding, went to the hospital, and an hr later they were born. Not really a lot to embellish or elaborate on. The girls are freaking rock starts though, I could go on and on about that,
Elle(A) was born crying and screaming and NEVER needed any help breathing, not once, Charlie (B) needed help with oxygen for the first 4 hrs. and then she was on a CPAP pushing room air for another 3 days but then after that she needed NOTHING, can we say AMAZING?!! Never mind the fact that they were off ALL IV's and tubes after one week. The guys flew them home about 2 weeks after they were born and they just went home on Monday this week. They are gaining weight and growing. I am so proud of those 2, where my body failed them they picked up the slack. They are beautiful girls and their older sister does not really understand who these visitors are just yet, but she's doing great as well. They guys are holding up well, but they have loads of help from the night nurse to 2 nannies and ALL the family they have their doing great, it will hit them fully in about 4 months when the night nurse is gone, lol. It won;t be easy at all, given they have a 14 month old and 2 almost 1.5 month olds under the same roof to care for.

So things are good, I pumped for a about a month and lost over 20lbs! I have since stopped, kinda wish I didn't but it was a hassle especially since the twins were home and the milk was no longer for them. I loved the benefits of pumping, I wish it could be that easy after to lose weight.

I probably won't be blogging at all or very little in the future, I am not sure what my future holds when it comes to surrogacy but most likely this was my last journey.

Don't want to jinx

So dare I write this post???
I have been feeling GREAT!! I have had LOTS of help this past week it has been awesome. I truly have the best little sister there is, she stayed all week long, skyped some of her classes, drove an hr both ways to her college to turn in paperwork, homework and take tests. She never complained once, helped clean, did some grocery shopping and made sure I was alright and that I did not do much of anything. It is such a relief to know that I have her to help, that the girls LOVE their auntie Reiko, they listen to her, have fun with her and look forward to her being here. I am at ease in my home ( which I know I would not have been if I had a stranger here.) It still sucks that I am in bed all day, but at least I have her to talk to, joke with. Physically I have been felling better as well. I do not have acid reflux really at all, I am not coughing all the time, my allergies are not going totally crazy. I hate to say things are going so well because I don;t want to jinx myself. Yes it is harder to move around, hard to sleep and stay asleep but if those are the only things to complain about I'll take it.

I have an appointment tomorrow and am hoping and praying it goes well. I do not want my cervix to change at all, I want it to get longer so that way I can have the security of knowing that I will bake these babies a bit longer. I am going to be 32 weeks on Saturday so that is a HUGE milestone and then the next one will be 36 weeks! I am so grateful that I have proven the stats wrong so far. This all started at 25 weeks and my OB was just so sure that I would have either delivered by now or that I would be in the hospital on bed rest. I am moving right along as well as are these 2 beauties and that is all I can ask for!

So Easter! Easter was a pretty decent day, did not do much beside sit at my moms and eat. My girls had a great day, they all looked great and loved their baskets. I worked on them for a little while but it was worth it! I hope you all had a great Easter as well!

Bed rest..................

Need I say more??

So I decided after my appointment on Thursday last week that I would be on as strict a bed rest as I could be on. With the threat of hospital bed rest looming I want to tak a pro active stance. So my little sister is going to be helping me and had been great!! She will be her full time, taking the girls to school and picking them up. doing things around the house. She is truly a life saver. After I heard my OB tell me about the hospital bed rest I was in panic mode because I could not figure out who was going to come help or how it was going to work. My hubbys mother who usually helps out with the girls when needed is and has been busy with watching my husbands granddaughter. As annoying as it is that I do not have her as help at all I guess I know it is what is best for my hubbys daughter. Why don't I call her my step daughter or her child my grand daughter? That is a whole other post and just a personal decision. But I will say that it did upset me a little that I could not count on my MIL at all.

So back to the bed rest, it is NOT by any means relaxing, maybe the first day or so is nice but it gets old QUICK! Your body gets tired of sitting in one position, you get sore, your back hurts, your hips hurt, your neck hurts. It is for the best but it is not easy, never mind the fact that I have 4 girls that want and need my attention. It is dance season for my middle child and I will miss her first 2 recitals, upsetting, then my oldest track season has started and I know I will miss at least 4 meets, plus ALL of her track meets for her school. This is her first yr. participating in school track so I know it will mean a lot and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks to know that my family will still be going out and doing things but without me, I want them to enjoy and have fun as a family but I'd like to go. I was sooo looking forward to taking my 2 oldest girls to see that new Disney movie African cats but won't be able to. Easter is coming quickly and I will not be able to join my family at Easter service. I am going to try and focus on the positive things about this bed rest, I can focus and pick out all the negative I want to but in reality it will just cloud my days that are already going to drag on forever so whats the point?? These 2 girls WILL be healthy and WILL not be born before 34 weeks!

Thursday blues...

So it has been a little while since I updated, why? Well because I have had some complications with my cervix and have not felt like being on the computer much let alone actually put into words how I am feeling. So it started on Tuesday this week I went in for my regular OB appointment. I figured all would be just fine give last Thursday my appointment went great. Well it was not the case. Everything is fine with me EXCEPT my stupid cervix. So back to Tuesday, my cervix measured between 1.63 & 1.80 which was down from a strong 2.5 on Thursday last week. I was crushed, I have been resting and hardly doing much. My Dr. has not put me on any kind of strict guidelines or even really said bed rest, just told me to try to stay off my feet and each appointment because things were good was " Keep doing what your doing" just crushing. So I have been in the bed as much as I can. I don't do much around the house, my hubby and oldest have picked up the slack. I had help twice and she was great, it was nice to not have to think about certain things.

Today, I went in not feeling to hot to begin with, I have been feeling more and more pressure "down there" and did not have a great feeling about today's check. Well it was not great to say the least. The babies look great and are oblivious to what is going on..lol My cervix was between 1.3 & 1.6. Dr. B says he is calling it the same with slight change but to me it changed and not for the best. He had already told me on Tuesday this week that his gut is that I will be in the hospital on bed rest soon. So this measurement is just me inching closer and closer to the Antepartum unit. I just feel horrible, like my body is failing me and these babies. It is just so scary to think that they might come so soon. Never mind that fact that I will be away from my family for goodness know how many weeks. Just sucky feeling this way. I was chosen to do this to help, not to hinder and if these 2 are born anytime soon they will have NICU time and GOD how I do not want that for them. I can remember how AWFUL and helpless I felt when my twins were born and they had to spend time in the NICU with tubes and monitors. They were not there long and were born at 34.6 weeks so they just had to gain weight and keep their O2 stats up. These 2 will have more issues if they come anytime soon. I guess only time will tell with me body.

But on a happy note here is a 29 week belly picture!