Do you feel pregnant??

How to answer this question. No I don't, I never do. Even with my previous twin pregnancies I don't "feel pregnant" I am not nauseaus, my boobs don't hurt I am not overly tired. Not in the beginning at least. I have the occasional queasiness but it is nothing really. I am natrually a sleepy person so I doubt I would really notice being really tired. I wish sometimes that I felt pregnant so that way I could relax a bit knowing that the symptoms of pregnancy mean that the baby is growing. I hate waiting for the first u/s and because it is not till I am 7 weeks it is a LONG wait.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with little projects around the house that need to be completed but I am running out of things to do and surfing the web in between is getting very old. I am hoping these next 10 days go by a bit faster.....

Numbers of the day!!

So I have been waiting to post my numbers because I wanted to see how well they would double, if they doubled at al. On Monday I went in for my first beta and that came back at 382 and we were all very pleased with this number. I know what this number means, for me, which I am not thrilled about but am happy all the same to be pregnant. This number is only 20 points higher than my first beta with my surro twins. So I am pretty sure there are 2 beans snuggling in. Today my beta came in at 1468 which puts me around 37 hrs. of doubling time. They ant to see it doubling around every 48hrs. So I am right on track!

Do I feel any different, nope. The same as I always do,maybe a touch of nausea here and there but nothing really. I don't usually feel pregnant even with the twins. Only time shall tell I guess.

Seeing double!!

Surrogates are notorious for peeing till they drop..lol You get that much wanted 2nd line but you HAVE to make sure it gets darker and you have something to compare it to so we pee, and pee and pee some more! That is JUST what I have been doing, and my hubby thinks I am insane, just like the other 2 journeys he thought the same.

As you see above those are MY lines!!! I am 6dp5dt and that is an amazing line! I got my first real line on 4dp5dt which is a scary thought. I am beginning to think both of these embies stuck around. I am going to keep testing to see how the line progress. It will be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG 3 days till beta but I have made it this far so just a little bit further to go.

Shadows....

So I actually started testing yesterday...crazy I know. Today I am 4dp5dt (4 days post 5 day transfer) and I was not expecting to see anything and this mornings test gave me just that nothing. I am testing 3 times a day till I get a solid line or till I realize there will be no line and with that said I tested this afternoon and............ There is a shadow!! SO I am optimistic,that this shadow will turn into a wonderful strong dark line. Only time will tell. Oh an just a disclaimer, the above picture is NOT mine, it is just a picture I found..lol

My first beta is next Monday and it cant get here fast enough, the guys don't want to know any HPT ( home pregnancy test) results, they are afraid of getting a false positive so they want to just wait for Monday's results. I can't blame them because all this testing is going to drive me insane. All the "is it a line, or an evap" or am I just seeing things is going to send me over the edge. I will say that I am glad in a way that I haven't seen a line yet because that would scare me, and make me wonder that much more about how many are in there..lol

So I will hold on to hope that this shadow is a sign of things to come and that one little baby bean is in there snuggling in for 8 more months

The dreaded 2WW

SOOO I have entered the dreaded 2WW (week wait) but it is more like 9 days. We had our transfer on the 8th and it went great!! We transferred 2 fresh 5 day blasts. I was nervous at first but the guys were so calm, or at least they didn't let their anxiety show through. It went just like my previous times except our RE was VERY involved. He talked to us in the waiting room, gave us the paper work to sign and walked me to the transfer room, my last clinic this was all handled by the staff I didn't even see the RE till I was already on the table..lol This RE is very personable and had excellent bed side manner. I even got a copy of the picture they take of the embryos which I thought was nice so that way I could have a keepsake as well.

So a little about my pre-transfer experience. I flew into NY on Wednesday and it was an easy flight, I had a middle seat but the flight 2was not fully booked and lucky me the seat next to me (window) was open! I LOVE the window seat because I NEVER move on a flight, I use the restroom prior, I HATE public restrooms and the thought of using an airplane restroom gives me the creeps so unless it is dire I stay away. Being in a window seat is so much better because you never have to get up to allow other in/out. I arrived in NY at the height of traffic and the hotel is a good hour to hour and ten minutes away so this meant it took me 2 . 5 hrs. to get there, but good thing my driver was really cool. I finally arrived and I was beat, I had bee up since 3am because I wanted to see my hubby off before he went to work and I could not get back to sleep. I pretty much just ate and went to bed. I knew the next day would be a long one because the guys were going to show me around the "real New York" as they put it. I walked, rode the subway, at amazing food and saw the typical New York landmarks but from afar, which was best because it meant no crowds or tons of people.



On Friday they took me to Blue Hill Farm which is the most beautiful farm/grounds I have ever seen. Never mind the farm to table freshness of the food but everything else as well was simply perfect. They have a small market and it is just filled with any and everything that is simple but perfect. Oh how I wish I lived back east just so I could visit this place and have lunch/dinner every so often.

So now I am 2dp5dt and am not dying to pee on a stick..lol Not yet, I know by tomorrow I will break down and pee, and now that I am talking about it I want to, but I am going to wait, I would be scared out of my mind if I got a line right now..OMG ok yes I will wait.

Thinking THICK

Alright so the last time I updated I was bummed out because my lining was not cooperating and it was not thin enough to start my Estrace. WELL Last Monday I had another ultrasound and low and behold that after the Provera and me doing anything and everything I could it worked. I never did get my period which was SUPER strange because I took the Provera for 6 days AND drank parsley & ginger tea as well as a lot of papaya juice. I googled how to induce my period and those were some of the things listed. SO anyways last Monday I had an u/s and my lining was 4.5!! Yes you read that right 4.5 and no period, just spotting a little. Now things were back on!! I started my Estrace and lowered my Lupron and yesterday I went to have another u/s and this time we wanted a fluffy & thick lining. WELL how is 15 for you?! Yup my lining went from 4.5 to a 15! That was just the average and in some spots is was 16, so this turned out to be excellent news because the guys egg donor was already on meds to do her retrieval because she could not wait any longer for me. SOOO this means that I will be doing a fresh transfer next week sometime!! I am not sure on exact dates because it all depends on the donor now. I am still not completely relaxed because you just never know what can happen and until you are on the table at the IVF clinic about to transfer anything can happen, so I still need good thoughts for our egg donor. We want to have a good number of eggs but most important is the quality, then there fertilization... Still so many things for me to think about going awry.
 

Surro family update

It has been a while since I updated about my surro family. They are all doing so wonderful! M&M are the best dads a girl could ask for they are simply amazing! The girls are getting big so quickly and it is again time for another trip to visit them and I cannot wait! I got a few pics the other day of them playing with bubbles and having such a blast.
 

A little set back

So I have been MIA for a little while and that is because we had a little set back and it is my fault. I cant lie and say I was not pouting a bit because I was. SO on the 2nd I went in to have my baseline u/s and blood work done. Well my blood work was great but the reading for my u/s were higher than the RE likes to see. He wants it below a 7 and mine was 7.5. At first I thought no big deal because I was not completely through with my cycle and I figured I would keep shedding. My NC was really sweet about it and said that since I am so close that they would just wait till Monday's repeat u/s to see what we need to change if anything. SO Monday rolled around and I just knew my lining would be the same if not thicker and I was right this time it was measuring an 8.3, I knew this meant that it would push our transfer dates out and I was right. I have been on provera since Monday and I am hoping that tomorrow my cycle will start back up and my body will do what it needs so we can get this show on the road. I hate that I my body isn't cooperating but there isn't anything I can do, sooooo I have been in a little bit of bad mood. So all of you that read..if any of you lol please just send good thoughts my way please, and thanks!!
 

Randoms

So just a little random post for today, I started meds this past Saturday and so far so good. no headaches or mood swings. I hope to keep up this good luck I seem to be having. Only time shall tell, I just hope the Lupron is doing its job and making sure all things are quiet and stay that way.
 

Meds!!

The only people I know that get excited to receive a box full of medication and needles are surrogates. I got my box o fun today and I am so excited to get things started. I start Lupron on Saturday! Lupron suppress your ovaries so you don't ovulate, it is injected into your stomach with a tiny needle. I have had 2 previous cycles where it was my only needle and this cycle will be the same, which makes me a happy camper. I know a bunch of surrogates that would much rather do PIO, which is a form of progesterone. It is a much larger needle that is injected into the upper right part of your butt. BUT it usually leaves you with a knotted, lumpy sore butt and I would much rather use the suppositories. So here is to officially getting the ball rolling! Only 42 more days till transfer....so far yet so close! .

 

Final Journey Begins!!

Well the time has come to share where I am in my final journey...
 I am matched to a wonderful gay couple M&M, yes I know they have the same initials as my guys ( I will forever call them my guys, well because they are) which in my opinion I take as a good sign! They are funny, down to earth and just all around great people. I got to meet them at my screening appointment which was great! They live far from me as well which stinks but it is what it is.

So we matched back in January and met in March for the first time. I was so incredibly nervous about out meeting and also the meeting with the RE. Given my history after the premature birth of my surrotwins I was not as optimistic as I was with my other journeys. Turned out I had nothing to worry about, after a long talk with the RE and what my expectations are as well as the guys we were all on the same page! He did do an exam to look in my uterus to see if I had any polyps or cysts and nope nothing at all. He was amazed that he could not see any scar tissue at all considering I have had 2 c-sections  . He also tried to break down the statistics that out of all 7 babies I have delivered that they are all girls. This RE was a very laid back one, and I like that about him, but the most important thing is for him to get me pregnant!

Everything is all set and we are ready to go. Contracts are signed, escrow is set up, testing is done and now we are officially cycling!!!! I start Lupron on the 20th and I will be a nervous wreck until May 29th and we have the fertilization report and we know that there will be embryos to transfer, then I will be a HUGE ball of anxiety and nerves till transfer day and then...OK let me stop getting ahead of myself. First things first start Lupron and hopefully, God willing my uterus cooperates and grows a nice fluffy lining.

 

Assumptions....

SO why do people assume? We all do it, we try not to but it is just something that happens. It is what happens AFTER is what is important, if you take that assumption and run with it so to say. Being on the other end of an assumption really sucks, not only can it be hurtful but damaging as well. I guess I should explain. So my last post ended off with trying to be approved for another final journey, to help a women that I thought was amazing. I don't think she is any less amazing, nor do I think anything different of her. Well it turned out that her RE was unwilling to move forward with me as her surro and I knew this was a very possible situation and was prepared for it. IT no less sucked after hearing this news in July, it sucked more for her though. All I could think about was her and how she felt, and what she was going to do next. If I could help her find another surro that she would be comfortable with that could help her. She and I had a good relationship that was growing into a friendship, she is a very busy lady but always made time to chit chat or answer questions. So after our answer from the RE I wanted to give her some time to clear her mind and feelings, so I did not really contact her, I would comment on her FB page or like a picture so she knew I was still there.

 At the time in July there were things going on in my life that were stressful and hectic and the week of the July theater shootings I decided to deactivate my FB account, why? So I could be removed from everything that was a distraction to my life, so I could put all effort and energy into my life and things that were going on. Well the shooting happened and she (my possible IM) knew I lived in the vicinity of what happened and apparently she tried to contact me via FB, but I was gone. Come to find out months later after she had not responded to several messages, or posted on my wall ( after I reactivated at the end of August) I looked at her blog and what did I see? A post about me and how I cut her out of my life and that all she was to me were possible $$ signs....SERIOUSLY?? She did not try to contact me via text message, and YES she had my number, or email and again YES she has that too. She just spewed vial words of disgust about me on her blog.

 Then Aurora happens and I immediately look to see if she is OK (on FB – she lives in that vicinity) and she is gone. Poof. She blocked me. She erased me from her life. My husband was very relieved that we didn’t proceed further with someone who clearly didn’t see us as anything more than dollar signs…I took it a bit harder.. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. The idea of someone carrying a child for me wasn’t easy. I had pangs and yearnings and questions but I made peace with it because of her. I also felt a connection to her and knew she would care for my children (if they do turn into children but with a normal CGH embryo made a few years ago, you have a good chance in the right womb). The person that I almost let carry my children blocked me on facebook. Just.Like.THAT. If that isn’t a kick in the pants, I don’t know what is. All I can say is I hope she isn’t following me. Fool me once and I get the picture. I’ve now learned that life is not only about choices but also how you react to the choices of others. I just keep on thinking…what if she had my children living inside of her and blocked me. What if, what if, what if. Maybe I have a guardian angel. I don’t know.

I am in awe of this post, because I needed time away from FB she ASSumes that I am just a careless, money grubbing piece of dirt. So I tried messaging her, again, and no response so I CALLED her on both numbers I had, emailed her and do you think I got a response? No, and crazy still we are still FB friends, you would think if I blocked her or unfriended her we would not still be FB friends but we are, you know why?? Because I NEVER did what she ASSumed I did. I cannot believe that she would go as far as not to return my calls, text message, email or FB message.

To think I did use ALL methods of communication at my disposal to contact her to let her know what really happened, something SHE should have done if she really cared if I was alright............. But maybe that is just me and the way I think, I don't know. I needed to get that out of my system, vent it into cyber space. I don't yet know how I should react, unfriend her? really truly block her? I still care about her and I know will still think about and wonder if her dream of becoming a mom of 2 (or 3) actually happens. I know I won't unfriend her, I didn't I am still in some strange way on her side. She truly is an amazing women and I still want nothing but the best for her and her family so I will accept sitting on the sidelines like some thrown away piece of trash. I know who I am, I know my value, I know my loyalty. I will act like me no matter what is thrown in my face. No matter what I will still cheer her on. I wrote this post back in October of 2012 and am just now posting it... I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to but I think now is as good a time as any.